Professional Moron

We provide lessons in life, culture, philosophy, mind, matter, cake, jam, haggis, and other insane nonsense.

Top Five Best Inventions That Haven’t Been Invented Yet!

on March 6, 2012
These are "Snowstorm Masks" from the '20s, we guess. Good idea!

These are “Snowstorm Masks” from the ’20s, we guess. Good idea!

Here is a countdown of the best ever inventions that haven’t been invented yet! The title kind of gave that away, but we deemed it necessary to repeat ourselves to really hit the point home.Now, we are not inventors in our own right, although our top writer, the half insane but usually inspired Mr. Wapojif, has invented an invention which heads this illustrious list! In fact, all of the inventions on this list have been invented by us during an invention brainstorm about 40 minutes ago. The problem is we are not inventors, so, fundamentally, we can’t actually invent them as we can’t build stuff. We’re witty thinkers capable of creating the most profound aphorisms, but this does not mean they can be translated into actual coherent meaning. Do you, dear readers, follow? Basically, an architect makes the building, but he doesn’t actually build the building. That’s left to the scumbag builders; typically these sorts are overweight, balding, fat, and very ugly. The sorts who, when they bend over, have half of their hairy backside gazing back at you like a malodorous beast emerging from a swamp in Devonshire.

So, without wasting any more time, here are the FIVE inventions. You might (perhaps) notice a slight theme running through them. One involving animals. This was pure coincidence.

5. Shrews

A shrew is a handy foot implement.

Like shoes, but made entirely of shrews. For humane reasons the shrews have to already be dead before construction of the footwear begins.

4. Boars

“What are you looking at?”

These are kind of like doors, but save on the hassle of having a door/taking your keys with you/worrying about being burgled etc. Basically, the boar acts as a deterrent for burglars by blocking the doorway and looking very fierce.

3. Mosk Eato

Mosky.

This is a mosquito themed restaurant for pious sorts who would normally be more at home in a Mosk. Dishes include; mosquito bread, mosquito soup, roast mosquito, and mosquito cheesecake.

2. Door Mouse

They keep out the drafts.

This is kind of like No 4 except this time you will actually have a door, it will just be made entirely out of door mice. It figured to us at Professional Moron that, with a name like that, they should actually put it to some good use and BE an actual door.

1. House Fly

To make a useful house, yo.

Common house flies are incredibly irritating, as we all know. Even people who don’t live in houses find house flies an immense annoyance. So, what better use than to put these disgusting creatures to some use? You guessed it, why not use the house flies to build an actual house! Now they aren’t the largest of creatures so we have estimated it would take around 30 million house flies to construct something borderline liveable. However, if the government is able to trash £10 billion on The Olympics why not become the first nation to build a house out of house flies? That’s at least something someone will care about!

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