Welcome, everyone, to the super healthy world of deep frying everything you eat! It’s such a jolly concept it brings to mind the world famous joke, “When is a donut not a donut? When it’s a deep fried Munkkeja!” (Finnish for “donut”, apparently). Mr. Wapojif (Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, article contributor, and three dimensional robot slave to office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf hamster) was so entranced, enriched, and delighted with the new culinary possibilities on offer he decided to go on an online hunt for the most alarming pictures of deep fried food he could find. Yes, his search had some chronic lows, but it also had the type of highs that Felix Baumgartner would have been proud of.
So, what ho jeeves, tighten your belts and, gentlemen, make sure your fly isn’t undone, as here are the most repugnant, abhorrent, disgusting, gross, slimy, artery clogging, foul, deviant, debauched, putrid, effervescent, glovely, and downright seditious food things out there. What ho!
Right, hold onto your butts here as this is a bad one to get things rolling. This breakfast is a deep fried Jersey “dog” (hotdog, we guess) wrapped with bacon. This is served on top of a squished fried egg, itself already squishing some melted cheese. It also appears to have some bread keeping it all stable. Well… I… never…
Deep Fried Mars Bar
This sprung out as an urban myth around 15 years ago. We seem to recall it all originated in Scotland (sorry if we got that wrong, Scotters) and spread like the plague down to the nether regions of the UK. Shock horror, then, as this is a very real dish, although we wouldn’t advise you go anywhere near it. And why? It’s a Communist, that’s why.
Deep Fried Mars Bar and Snickers With Ice Cream
As indulgent treats go this one is very high up the list of “Shocking Debauchery”. Whilst it looks rather pretty on the plate and, heck, probably even tastes quite nice, we’re talking about one horrifying amount of fat and sugar here. It’s deep fried Mars Bar and a Snickers (duh!) with vanilla ice cream and butterscotch sauce. Delightful. Apparently you need to sign several forms before you can eat it, and most who done go on to consume the delicacy either lose their mind within 3 hours, or have to amputate their hair as greasy fat drips from it incessantly.
Deep Fried Butter
About as healthy as you can get, this gourmet slice of antioxidants is crammed full of debilitating fat globules and needless calories. If you’ll look closely this isn’t quite outlandish enough to whomever has purchased these things, as there’s also clearly salt sprinkled on top. Or, you know, maybe it’s just Deep Fried Butter dandruff.
Deep Fried Pizza
It’s just not a real treat unless you deep fry it, and pizza is no different. Crammed full of nutrients and vitamins, Deep Fried Pizza is the food of Kings. Why, Professional Moron can envisage King Henry VIII perched delicately on a stool stuffing his face with the stuff whilst “they” were elsewhere beheading Anne Boleyn. Well, why not? He’s King, dammit!
Deep Fried Butter Toast
An indulgent French “dish”, this gets the deep frying treatment as well. We really can’t think of anything more to add about this one.
Deep Fried White Bread With Food Splat
In amongst all this carnage it’s reassuring to know one can enjoy deep fried food with other stuff, as can be seen with the Food Splat on the right of the deep fried white bread. Superb, sir!
Deep Fried Coke
Of course if you get thirsty there’s always the need for a refreshing Coke! Or something reasonably close to it. This is Coke flavoured batter which is promptly deep fried and then smothered in coke syrup. That’s cream on top (or, perhaps, someone’s brains after it exploded under the strain of this culinary notion).
Khai Dao (Deep Fried Egg)
A Thai recipe, this involves blasting the living daylights out of an egg. Apparently it goes crispy when deep fried. Yikes. Anyway, what you should have got into your skulls by now is that:
Look at it go!
NB: Please note deep frying anything is extraordinarily bad for your health. It is also known to lead to bouts of psychotic violence and the general belief aliens are invading with giant Deep Fat Frying Saucers. ‘Tis a bad hallucination, you donut want to go there!