Our very own Mr. Wapojif spends two hours a day on a bus on the long slog out of central Manchester into Greater Manchester.

The one thing which never surprises him is the array of people whom get on the thing during the lengthy journey.

As Britain’s a multicultural society there is, and are, a vast range of folk to observe: moronic chavs, businessmen, random adults, mothers and their children, school children, students, and gangsters the hood.

Kids singing that nursery rhyme the Wheels on the Bus. All of that lot.

Some people can behave well on a bus. A lot can’t and don’t even attempt to. Here we establish some fundamental forms of etiquette which normally forms the basis of polite society. “Normally?” you croon.

Yes, normally, as manners are most certainly lacking in contemporary life. We demand them blood-well-back, you heathens!

The Guide to Riding a Bus Politely

Behave. That’s what most normal people should do when they’re on the bus. It gets you from A to B at a leisurely chugging pace, but it’s cheap and we all have to put up with it so just shut up and read or something.

However, this is simply impossible for some people and so I have observed the following bus atrocities from bus users.

1. Using a mobile phone at an incredibly loud volume

This can be for conversations with people, or to play the worst music ever recorded. Which is a good point—why does no one ever play good music on their iPhones?

Why is it the morons with dreadful musical taste who insist on blasting it out to the world? As they’re ignorant prats? Probably.

Regardless, yammering away endlessly and at volume is incredibly tedious, particularly as 99.9% of mobile conversations are completely unneeded. We know this.

Being on the phone doesn’t make us think you’re socially active, it just means you can’t sit still on a bus without engaging in some form of human contact. Autonomy out of the window!

2. Using a mobile and profanity

Many a time have I been sitting on a bus when some pleb answers the phone and starts effing and blinding away, often with young children nearby.

Now vacuous plebs and buses are a given, but this level of ignorance is intolerable. So intolerable it needs a new word—Bus Moron. Okay so that’s a phrase, but we’re going to use it from now on.

3. Talking or shouting incredibly loudly with bus partner

There was a diminutive Spanish lady on the bus the other day whose vocal cords created such a din for 40 minutes that no one else could concentrate on anything else.

If you’re on the bus keep your conversation down as, guess what, we can actually hear what you’re saying!

So that latest STD you’ve collected is known by all in attendance on the vehicle (yes, this was a conversation we all overheard at 8am last week).

4. Children

Regular aeroplane users were asked what annoyed them most about flights and airports. The result was overwhelming—kids. Buses are no different.

If you are a parent be responsible and control your wee one. Letting them scream and bray and hurtle about the place DOES annoy the other bus users.

Naturally this doesn’t occur to your average parent, so perhaps some sort of violent leaflet campaign is in order?

5. Eating

Today on the bus I had a gormless individual sit next to me and promptly consume a pasty from Greggs (non-English readers—it’s a high street bakery shop), three bags of crisps (he happily wiped his greased up fingers on his stupid short-trousers and bag), and a bottle of Coke Zero.

For a start Coke Zero is utterly idiotic and vile. If you’re going to have a Coke go full welly and get the classic, full sugar option fully chilled in an aluminium or glass container, not those stupid plastic things.

But, in general, just DO NOT eat on the bus or public transport in general. Especially gross food like that.

For another start, watching you stuff it into your stupid face is nauseating enough, but to have to listen to “Crisp Munching/Crunching” noises as you chomp away is enough to push one towards a psychotic episode. Just stop it, okay?!?!

6. Gum

Chewing gum has always been a bit bewildering to the Professional Moron staff. It’s fun for about 30 seconds and then the minty loveliness transforms into a bland, rubbery, teeth squeaky mess.

A lot of bus users deem it important to make it known they are enjoying their gum, so they chew with their stupid mouths hanging wide open making that Earth shatteringly annoying squelching noise (misophonia ahoy). Words fail us…

7. Groping your girlfriend/boyfriend

If you really can’t contain your romance in full public view then why not consider adding your funds together and buying yourselves a car?

That way you can go at it whenever you want without everyone else having to be within half a foot of it and having to go through the indignity of pretending not to be watching and disgusted.

Believe it or not but we don’t give a toss about your oblivious love for one another.

8. Sitting right behind/in front of you when the bus is near empty

There are plenty of seats, why must I stare at your scalp/you stare at my scalp when there’s plenty of room? Would you like us to hold your hand during the scary bus journey, too?

This type of behaviour is very odd and can be traced to stupidity, ignorance, weirdness, deviancy, truancy, and hegemonic despair.