New Years Revolutions!


Yes, we know it’s “resolutions” but, you know, we’re sick of adhering to the demands of social norms. Indeed. We’re just so gosh-darned insane we’re going to go beyond the reach of polite society and call them New Year’s Revolutions in this here blog post of today. And, so, what can you endeavour to achieve in 2013? Well there’s plenty you could do. Some popular ideas are; growing an extra limb, becoming a beekeeper, getting yourself arrested, seeing how many times you can get married and divorced in one solid year, getting yourself a criminal record, and/or being the first person to throw a raw egg at the Royal’s new baby.

It’s all in good stead, of course, as New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken. Quite. 365 days is a long old thyme and, frankly, who the hell, in the face of a post-recession world, with kids, pets, and other stuff to look after, can keep their daft little resolutions together for one whole year? Well, anyway, if you need some incentive here’s our LIST of HORROR!


Eat More Potatoes

The best way to make mash.
The best way to make mash.

Versatile, healthy… carb heavy. Well, no one is perfect. As vegetables go, though, the humble potato is pretty gosh darned amazing. So you should want to eat more of these damned things than you could ever bloody well imagine. Endeavour to do so! You can eat potatoes; mashed, boiled, microwaved, roasted, detonated, derided (this involves pointing and laughing at a potato before consumption, thus infusing its soul with vital anger/shame/emotional nutrients), and colluded.

Scale Mount Everest in a Bobble Hat

Pretty straight forward.
Pretty straight forward.

It’s always been a dream of our very own Mr. Wapojif to go up Mount Everest in nothing more than a bobble hat. 2013 could be his year, although you are most welcome to have a crack at beating his goal if you so wish. And why snot? Obviously you can take some Kendal Mint Cake with you for sugary reserves, and perhaps some slippers to keep your tootsies warm. Other than that, it’s nothing but a bobble hat! Go for it, you only live once (unless you believe in reincarnation, in which case you’ve really got no excuse not to give this a whirl)!

Don’t Wash

You'll soon forget what this is.
You’ll soon forget what this is.

Find out what it’s like to be a rusty old hobo by not bothering to wash. At all. For an entire year. Sounds great, eh? You betcha! For you see, being unkempt isn’t all about doom and gloom. Granted you will notice the following issues before too long; a general stink about your vicinity, a decreasing amount of social acceptance… and probably a lot of stuff like this. Indeed, smelling bad is bad, but this is a social experiment so keep at it and blog all year long about your increasing stench. At the end of this run there will, possibly, be a film of your strife starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Amy Adams.

Marry Arnold Schwarzenegger

"If it bleeds, we can kill it."
“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Now Big Arnie, by all accounts, is happily married and is busy being a politician, an actor in movies, a movie star, and a parent. Given as he’s, like, properly loaded we doubt the raising the kids bit is too difficult  to be honest. However, we dare you get in there and disrupt the blissful family life enjoyed by the Schwarzenegger clan. Obviously you had better get ready to adopt that dramatic surname, thusly rendering whatever forename you had before as a mere prefix to the gargantuan monster that is SCHWARZENEGGER! So if you have a delicate name like Mary, Emma, or Gertrude, get ready to step things up a notch!

Invade Your Local Swimming Baths

Give it some welly!
Give it some welly!

Everyone should enjoy the thrill of invading somewhere at least once in their life. Obviously you don’t want to cause a real life horror story, so choose somewhere of muted and irrelevant status. The local swimming baths is absolutely perfect for this as it will be busy and at the same time, once you burst through into the main pool screaming bloody murder, people’s panic should subside after the irrational nature of it all becomes apparent. “Hang on… why would anyone invade a local swimming baths to perform evil?” they would muse happily, whilst in the background you begin setting off petrol bombs. Community spirit at its finest.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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