We feel Twitter spreads too much JOY into the world, so we propose a new social media tool called Bitter. “OMG! Like, what does it do, Professional Moron?!?!” Well, stupid readers, it lets you unload all of your pent up negativity onto the world! Indeed, even though cyber abuse is becoming a very real crime these days, users of Bitter will be actively encouraged (and blackmailed) into letting out their inner frustrations on fellow Bitterers. Indeed. Our byline will be; “Bitter: As You Just Know You’re A Total SOB!” NOW! Professional Moron does not condone cyberbullying at all. Indeed, if you do cyberbully then you, sir or madam, are a total arse. Cut it out right now and do what normal purveyors using the internet’s gift for anonymity do – head over to YouTube and post purposefully vacuous comments. Presto hey, boredom solved!
Anyway, Bitter would allow all the misanthropic loons of the world to expel all of this cyber anger onto each other. So what sort of features can you expect to facilitate this? Well, idiots, there will be radical new apps, zapps, caps, flaps, and an option to print off our byline and super glue it onto your forehead. Hurrah! Excited? So you bloody well should be. Read on to find out our official plans for this revolutionary software, comrade!
Er, what’s the point? We’re already over saturated with social media. And I like Twitter!
The important thing is everyone expresses their feelings. Indeed, formalities will not be encouraged yet vitriol and bile will be. Antipathy is the name of the game and everyone will be a lot more peaceful thanks to it. Think you’ve not got an angry word in you? Wait until someone calls you a “****ing sack of rhubarb flavoured **** with ****ing **** and **** **** to **** ****ing ******* and the reasonably priced spices, too!”
Every day, at around tea time, all registered Bitter users log onto the service and begin to arbitrarily berate one another with profanities. This is fairly similar to the Two Minutes of Hate in George Orwell’s 1984, except with plenty of obscenities and a general feeling of shame following on from it all. Oh, and it lasts for 30 minutes.
How we’d make our moolah!
Instead of “Like” icons there will be “Massacre” ones which, when clicked, will fine the person “massacred” £10. This is how Bitter will make its money, as 99% of this revenue will go to our coffers, whilst 1% will go to the odious maniacs who do the “massacring”. Sublime? You betcha, Joshua!
Wouldn’t everyone’s stress levels go through the roof?
No! Haven’t you been paying attention to us, you dimwits? The purpose of Bitter is to get it all out of your system onto random strangers! You can, of course, do this anyway on normal social media tools, but the difference is Bitter will allow this process to be legal, thusly removing any sense of guilt. Pay attention at the back!
What about the rampant potential for lawsuits?
Sheesh, we’ve already said we’ll be exempt from issues with the law! “Oh yeah? And how will you manage that, Professional Moron? The police would be onto your in a flash!” Pfffft, you don’t know anything! It’s called “bribery”, morons!