We’ve come up with a scientifically proven thesis on determining whether a person, in a former life, was a baboon or a bassoon.
Now bear with us as your feeble brains won’t be able to understand much of the qualia based reductionism we shall be imputing onto the sphere of correlated spectrums.
You’ll just have to trust us on this—in a former life you were either a hairy baboon or a reed like woodwind musical instrument. Either way both the beast and the implement make a similar sort of, “WWWuuuurrgGHHhhhh!” noise if agitated.
See, the universe intertwines with itself to create amalgamations of utter nonsense. We exploit this three-dimensional interstellar loophole to create blog posts the likes of which have never been seen before!
Are you a Baboon or a Bassoon?
It’s as pertinent a question as any—is your inner self a wild animal or a lifeless musical instrument in need of human interaction to become sentient? Well, we supply all you need to know in the rest of this post.
We’d want to end up as the monkey, and after taking our test we found out we were indeed monkeys. So, don’t blame us if you end up as the inanimate bassoon instead of the baboon. It’s your fault, basically.
Get with the times, blud! So, in just four short, sharp questions find out your fate. Onwards, comrade!
What Do You Dream Of?
A – If your answer is overwhelmingly “BANANAS!” then you were almost certainly a baboon in a former life. This works on the stereotype of monkeys liking bananas, and is backed up by scientists such as Albert Einstein (as he probably ate a banana or two in his time).
B – If you can’t remember your dreams then you were definitely a bassoon. Why? As bassoons don’t have dreams, dumbass, so why do you think you can’t remember them? Sheesh.
Which Sentence Best Summarises Your Opinion Of Humans?
A – “I think humans stink and I want to climb all over their stuff and ruin everything for them. Also, whatever happened to Wham!? They were really awesome. And where is Bob Geldof these days? I know he wasn’t in Wham!, but he hasn’t released a single in about 30 years…”
B – “I have no real opinion on this matter. What does interest me is the state of play between violins and the piano—I hear those two have been at each other’s throats and baying for control. The two musical Super Powers are locked in a deadly Cold War where the constant threat of voluble decibels threatens to drown out my species of woodwind instrument. ‘Twas the best of times, ‘twas the worst of times…”
What’s Better—Trees or Woodwind?
A – “I greatly prefer lazily hanging from trees and make those shrill monkey noises that terrify the living crap out of most people. Lolz buckets! So trees any day of the week. YOLO after all!”
B – “Emitting those woody noises make me realise the world makes sense. Of course, I would say this as I am a woodwind instrument, but I am not biased. No, merely half insane. Did I say that? I meant… I am a classical music instrument of great reverence. Obey me, or die!”
Banana Split or Wood Salad?
A – “Banana!”
B – “I enjoy wood salads to the degree I have to. As in, I want to keep my figure as long as I can. The ravages of old age will only wipe the curves off of me, and the reedy noise I make will deepen and fade in the midst of time.”
Results (and therapy contacts)!
If you ended up with mainly As then you were, or still are, a baboon. If you went for B then you’re a lifeless, sterile, insipid nomad or a former woodwind musical instrument.
You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! It’s an alternate reality you’ll never be able to comprehend, but it’s fact.
Obviously, you’ll all need psychiatry following on from this revelation, and we can refer you on to our very own Mr. Wapojif for sessions here.
He’s not a qualified therapist by any stretch of the imagination, but he is a good listener (sort of), and he can juggle.
His therapy technique consists of emotional blackmail and battery until, inevitably, his victim… patients burst into tears and flee from his shed.