One of the most popular chocolate bars on Earth is also one of the most out and out confusing. That thing pictured, which is a mixture of chocolate, caramel, salt, aspic, and other stuff, is consumed by folk all across the globe. Why so?

The Mars Bar

It’s a pandemic of wrapper opening mayhem, and the berserk truth is your average glutton doesn’t know what’s in the thing and will just stuff it into their stupid face even if it turned out there was semtex in there.

Yo ho ho, what does it matter when you’re 40 stone? The explosion would probably help shed a few extra pounds anyway! See, that’s “Glass Half Full” type thinking. But it doesn’t alter the fact that these, admittedly, very tasty chocolate bars have a stupid name what done and don’t make much sense: Mars Bar.

Are they from Mars? No. Are they made out of prison bars? Probably not. So then… WHAT!?!? Well. our very own Mr. Wapojif got to thinking about this and came up with the solution. You can read it in the subsequent paragraphs, as we feel we should end this first block of text here to make a nice flow towards a header.

Why Are They Called That?

Well Mr. Wapojif did his search and the boring truth is, boringly, that a certain Forrest Mars took to a factory in Slough (of all the ruddy places) in 1932 to create the chocolate bar of death! That’s right, Mars Bars have the name as it’s someone’s surname. How crushingly dull, eh?

There was Mr. Wapojif thinking it could, possibly, be made from Mars dust, or something. Still, at least there are deep fried Mars Bars which, as we all know, are handcrafted by ancient Egyptian Monks and catapulted to modern day through the use of the time machine. It’s true, dammit!

Anyway, we got to thinking… what if it had a more interesting name for interesting purposes? So, we came up with these five better possibilities for why it got its stupid name:

• Following an alien invasion in 1632, the aliens left blueprints for the chocolate bar hidden in a bucket of fecal matter. There it lay lost for centuries until, finally, a businessman found it centuries later and used its excrement encrusted nonsense to get him super rich.
• Someone just named it that because it sounds good.
• Oh, who gives a damn why it’s called that, eh? Why do you think Snickers are called that?! It’s got nothing to do with knickers, we tell you.
• Mars bars are made of bits of Mars. It’s been proven bits of Mars, the planet, have been blasted here over millions of years, probably by asteroid impacts. Cool, eh? So, you eat one of those things and you’re eating history!
• They chose Mars Bar as Michael Myers Bar sounded too psychotic. The end.