The World’s Best Gangsta Rappers Reveal Gangsta Secrets

Iz u a gansta? Iz u into rap? Den diss post iz gunna be fat, innit blud. Yes, today’s Professional Moron post is dedicated to the noise known as rap music. This stuff populates the charts the way a festering wound is populated by gangrene.

This isn’t us suggesting rappers are talentless (although it is, really), it’s merely us embracing a new type of music! True, after a few listens to the “best” rap songs Mr. Wapojif suffered a brain hemorrhage, but this might also be down to the fact he heard a Justin Bieber song earlier in the day as well.

Anyway, these rap artist dudes range from a wide global field which encompasses flamboyance, bling, attitude, and profanity – let’s not forget the rampant misogyny that gets promoted (one rap song we discovered has the glorious lyrics, “Move, bitch, get out da way, get out da way bitch, get out da way” repeated over and over), and of course the awful music.

I say! Let us focus on the rap stars and what they had to say when the Professional Moron staff contacted them for views on themselves, rap music, and the world in general. All quotes are verbatim.

Being Gangsta

2p (Two Pistols); “I iz rapper. I rap bowt stuff, innit, n I fink dat duh rappin’ iz bowt bein’ sort off, like, nekked all da time, innit geez, wot wiv duh tattoos n dat coz uvver wize ma biatches wud av ta see ma stupid face!”
Denis; “I iz tuff, innit, coz I got me cap angled to one sid, blud, n dat makes me ded tuff, innit geez. I like to smack me biatches n den ‘ave a few ciders down t’local pub, innit. Eh? No I aint a ****in’ chav… YOU STARTIN’!?!?!?”
Jacky Jasper; “Yo yo, blingin’! I iz h’enjoyin’ ma Cranberry Juice drink coz I iz gangsta! *whisper* Look, mate, you caught me at a bad time. Please don’t publish this photo! If my peers discover my fondness for Cranberry Juice I’ll be laughed out of the music industry and I’ll have to take a proper, intelligent job such as working in a sewer. Amazeballs!”
Fat Boloss; “Ey ey, i iz a rap man wiv da rap n wrap n dat innit bling blin’ coz i are like innit wiv da stuff n dat wot wiv duh bling n dat n wot wiv duh fings u see in duh h’audiance n den u fink, like, ‘wot iz dey finkin’ bowt’ n i den fink wot wiv duh rap n dat dey iz rappin’. Coz like, wen u fink bout it, if u iz rappin’ den duh rap fans want to see da rappers innit blud, wot wiv duh rap n dat. Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee.”
Bahram Diver; “Yo yo blud! One is a sophisticate rapper, innit, prone to splendiferous bouts of staggeringly upper class machinations, geeza, matched only by one’s remarkable ability to be idiotic enough to be a rapper, innit. Bling bling. Git wid da thymes, mofo!”
King Gordy; “SUP! YOLO, mofo, coz i iz a gangsta n I like wearin’ fruity glasses so dat i can mash any mofos face hoo disses me oar me hoes, innit, bling bling. Eye mey way 30 stone butt i can move when i has 2 in me ghetto blastin’, 50k pimped up car. Innit, aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!”
Beans the office pet; “I am not a gangsta rapper, I am a Chinese Dwarf Hamster. My interests include my wheel, pumpkin seeds, and chocolate drops.”


Rap music is awful.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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