Mr. Wapojif is a man, and as a grown adult man bloke he likes many manly, misogynistic things such as: Picking his nose, reading challenging literature quietly in his flat, chasing the geese on the local Quays, cooing idiotically at his pet hamster, doing his dish and clothes washing without complaint, and yodelling.

Indeed, Mr. Wapojif is not much of an Alpha Male, but he does, at least, possess a full head of hair (not bald at 28 – impressive these days!) and great big stinky man feet. Awesome. Awesome to the max!

Why I Hate Getting My Hair Cut

He does still hate getting his haircut, though. “Er, why, Professional Moron? How could this be so?!” Well, stupid readers, it’s a simple process referred to scientifically as Whereyougoingonyerholidayobia. Indeed, as if you visit a female hair dresser she will ask you where you’re going to spend your holidays; “Starving to death on Mount Everest!” is not a welcome response. “Getting consistently wasted in Ibiza and shaming English tourism yet further!” is a kudos winner – she’ll give you a perm for free with such a remark.

Anyway, Mr. Wapojif now frequents a barber just off Curry Mile in Manchester. ‘Tis good, and they don’t even bother talking to him, and yet he still hates it? Why? As for 15 minutes one has to sit there staring at oneself whilst some potential lunatic leers over you with a lethal pair of scissors. What does the barber think during this thyme, exactly? “This person’s cranium isn’t as well shaped as the last persons…” or, “Wow, that’s a horrendous amount of dandruff!”, or maybe even, “Holy cow! There’s lice everywhere!” And what would you do if you were a barber and you found someone with lice? Would you say, “Sorry, mate, can’t do your hair as you’re a grotesque scumbag”?

Social conventions in England mean one has to be a Stiff Upper Lip Brit and brave through the Lice debacle, hoping one day someone famous (like Burt Bacharach) wanders into your barbers shop. Isn’t that why they went to Barber University? Of course, dear readers, of course. Anyway, nowt will change Mr. Wapojif’s loathing of the whole thing, but at least it’s going to be 3 months until he’s back!