Space is vast. Confusing. Massive. Weird. Bereft of McDonald’s Happy Meals. It’s also perfect for cinema! The Professional Moron staff went to see Gravity yesterday – the film of the moment. It’s got George “Y’oreet?” Clooney and Sandra “Feck!” Bullock in it. Innit. So, two genius astronauts with super attractive film star looks. Not quite buying it, but the actual aesthetics are going on in the background.

Space itself is a mysterious thing. Think of it like a donkey; it’s just sort of there. It doesn’t do much, you think of it as a grumpy, potentially violent beast, but as it’s been around so effing long it’s now stabalised and is fairly dormant. If this analogy doesn’t sway you, then think of space as a Pez Dispenser. It’s not something you can grasp hold of as a kid (your power crazy parents wield it over you as a bargaining tool), but you plot to use one all the time as an adult.

Now you’re an adult, and you don’t. You wouldn’t even be able to locate one in a massive supermarket without asking for some working class scumbag shop assistant to locate the appropriate aisle for you. Plus, let’s face it, few adults know how Pez Dispensers even work. Much like Space – it’s there, yet we don’t know how it works.

Our best guess; it’s about vacuum cleaners, black holes (which are made out of glue), orbits (perhaps a type of Oreo cookie?), big distances (like needing to drive somewhere instead of walking), and infinity (which Buzz Lightyear knows all about). Anyway, we’ll state here we’re not going to fling in any spoilers about Gravity. Onward, comrades!

Gravity

Surprisingly Clooney is rarely seen in the film (with regard to his mug), but his velvety voice intersperses constantly as he flirts with Bullock, waxes lyrical about his longevity in space, and plays dire country music. He’s effectively walked off the set of 2009’s, ironically titled, Up In The Air to join Sandra Bullock, instead of whiny nuisance girl Anna Kendrick.

The plot is pretty straight forward survival lark, just with the most dramatic setting ever – unless you’ve seen Apollo 13, but then t’ CGI has advanced enormously since 1995. The thing about Apollo 13 remains thusly; the zero gravity bits were filmed meticulously.

The cast (Tom Yanks, Kevin Ham, Pill Baxton, and director Hon Roward) went out to Houston to fly in NASA’s KC-135 (presfumably they drunkenly missed the F out – surely it’s some sort of KFC chicken wing hybrid spaceship), where they’d fly in the aircraft which performs dramatic nosedives to create “weightlessness”.

This happens in bursts of 25 seconds, so the whole acting etc. was constructed around this (612 attempts, to be precise, leading to 3 hours and 54 minutes of ZERO GEE). We presume things have advanced a bit, and whatever, the opening 10 minutes are, like, totes remarkable. The camera spins around all over the place, immersing itself between views of the Earth, distant space, and the spaceship. Spectacular donut do it justice. A Super Mega Donut could, perhaps, possibly, match it.

More importantly than this, Gravity has a fixation with Sandra Bullock’s arse. As soon as she’s out of her spacesuit all physics go into the Bin Of Hot Pants as she zooms about with very intrusive camera angles. Young ‘uns will no doubt thrill at this development, but it does seem like a tacky gimmick to oomph up the X ratedness.

As, you know, this is what films do, innit. Bullock herself (for she is she) steals the show with impressive acting chops, putting himself (sorry, this was a typo) firmly back in the A List Acting Category of Hollywood Celebness. The actress, 49, has clearly been spending a lot of time in a gym. Most 50 year olds donut look like this, yo. Just look at Justin Bieber!

BTW, it’s all in 3D, which is the best use of 3D since Avatar and Life of Pie (correct spelling). We also mean it when we right (and wrong) this one is spectacular. This does mean you have to don those stupid glasses, but for once it’s all worthwhile. We most note, too, this; finally a Hollywood film has realised there are no massive “kabooms!” out in space, so we get silence during the destructive scenes. Which adds to zee impressiveness. Not so impressive are the lads mags shots of the very pretty Sandra Bullock floating about in hot pants. Come on, people, what were you playing at? Sheesh. It’s not a ruddy Michael Bay film. What could have been SERIOUS ART has been rendered into a gawkfest. Oh well… at least Space keeps its modesty and doesn’t do any flashing. We’re not sure how Space would do this, but there you go. This is the way Space rolls, man.

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More Appropriate Film Title: “Sandra Bullock’s Buttocks”

Quote From The Film: “Shit!”

Soundtrack: Not much (very wisely, considering the spectacular setting), except Clooney’s character makes the disastrous choice to play some naff country music. So the music we hear at the start isn’t Mozart, Beethoven, or, heck, even ruddy Bruce Springstreen. It’s the mundane strumming of some vacuous yokel.

Space: It’s big, it’s there, and you’re not going into it any time soon.

Oscar chances: Very high. As high as space itself, it seems (this is clever wording, yes?).

Historic Accuracy: Maybe.

Realism: Space astronauts actually wear a type of nappy, so no. This bit isn’t accurate. The floaty bits are great, though.

Product Placement: Hot Pants sales will no doubt shoot through the roof.

Blame The Russians?: Yes. The whole Shattered Equilibrium thing is kicked off by the stupidity of those crazy Russians. What are we going to do with them, eh?

Vegetable Review Rating: Onions

Although daft in places, it was all too gloriously spectacular to ignore. As a visual feast it is a… feast. Thusly, we award Gravity the almighty vegetable rating of ONIONS. Cooked onions, to be exact. Who the heck doesn’t like those gorgeous little beasts? Exactly – only freaks.