For any of you idiots still unacquainted with us (even though we near our second birthday – granted we took a six month holiday from blogging during 2013, but we’re back sporadically now) we’ve decided to “kick” off our blogging 2014 with a set of 25 questions. They’ve been doing “the rounds” for a number of “years” now and “we” felt it was about time to launch ourselves on the things with gusto. The questions aren’t pressing: you will not get any fresh insight into the mind of our glorious editor Mr. Wapojif, but you will understand he has an obvious gift for self-awareness and overall sanity.

Now there may be some of you out there who have stumbled across this blog right now this very merry day and, after reading the responses, may consider Mr. Wapojif to be not of sound mind. All we can write in response to you heathens is this.

You were not there when Mr. Wapojif outwitted Oscar Wilde, Albert Einstein, and Bernard Shaw. He may have been dreaming (and/or under the influence of marmite at the time), but the fact is he outwitted them in his conscience.

This makes him a genius, so don’t disrespect him, dammit! Anyway, this lot of questions are courtesy of Spaghetti Squiggles 25 questions, we was inspired! Mercy buckets. Mercy buckets, indeed.

1.Do you have any pets?

Boris the Syrian Hamster is the office pet. He is around 5 months old.

2. Name three things that are physically close to you:

1 – The ghost of Lenin,

2 – A post-it note stating, “You stink, you goddamn Communist!”,

3 – A signed photograph of Burt Bacharach.

3. What’s the weather like right now?

I’m from Manchester. It’s raining.

4. Do you drive? If so, have you crashed?

Mr. Wapojif can drive, but does not as cars are: a) expensive, b) bad for the environment, and c) Communists. He did have one horror crash back in the summer of ’01, when he brushed against a curb at around 30mph. Scary stuff!

5. What time did you wake up this morning?

One arises every morning at 7am, drinks a pint of water, leisurely reels off 357 push ups, and promptly heads orf on a 10 mile run. Not wishing to get too high on the man muscle chart, Mr. Wapojif spends the rest of the day consuming salt and aspic. This ensures he maintains his 20 stone bulk and heavy breathing.

6. When did you last shower?

Mr. Wapojif does not shower. I abandoned the process several years ago during what can only be described as my “Justin Bieber Phase.” There are downsides to this failing in cleanliness: the repugnant stench which emanates from me 24/7 being most notable.

7. What was the last movie you watched?

That one where the King of Lions is trapped in a cartoon with all these other talking cartoon animals, and the King of Lion’s son sort of eventually takes over, despite being a bit of a prat. Meantime, Mr. Bean voices this parrot, and there’s this stampede section with Jeremy Irons doing some ironing. There were some dodgy xenophobic sentiments towards hyenas in it as well. I think the film was called Jaws.

8. What does your last text message say?

Mr. Wapojif is anti-mobile phones and does not text. Anyone. Ever.

9. What’s your ringtone?

Mr. Wapojif has a £2.50 phone he has owned for the last four years. Although it probably has ringtones, one has never deemed it worthy of one’s time to find out. It does this bumble bee impression on the rare occasion anyone contacts me, but other than this it is a bleak, insipid, sterile contraption with barely any Earthly purpose. Kind of like rap music, then.

10. Have you ever been to a different country?

No, I prefer to live in a bubble of oblivious disdain. Of course I’ve been to a different country, I’m no philistine! I’ve done better even than this! Although many people scoff at my claims, I was abducted by aliens in 2004 and taken to Saturn for a night of revelry. This all ended badly as I accused them all of being Communists and I haven’t heard from them since.

11. Do you like sushi?

The question is not “Do you like sushi?” but, “Does one not like sushi?” If you do have issues with fish then you are devious imbecile who should be locked up and attached to a ball and chain. If this sounds overly severe at least consider this: McDonald’s exists and people get away with it.

12. Where do you buy groceries?

I steal all of my groceries from neighbours, shops, supermarkets, and little old women too feeble to respond. I do all of this  undetected by masking my appearance. I wear a Robin Hood outfit, whilst adopting a strong Welsh accent, and Morris dancing when spotted by CCTV cameras.

13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep?

Mr. Wapojif is unaware of the term “medication” and “you”, but understands the concept of sleep. To fall asleep I perform a handstand until I lose consciousness; this usually takes around 47 minutes.

14. How many siblings do you have?

All of my Communist brothers, comrade.

15. Do you have a desktop or a laptop?

This question is sexist and I refuse to answer it.

16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

Mr. Wapojif will turn 30. To celebrate this milestone he will be scaling Mount Everest in nothing but speedos and a bobble hat.

17. Do you wear contacts or glasses?

Both, and I find it provides me with eye splitting migraines. However, through this I become blessed with P-Ray vision (vision which lets you cook peas really well).

18. Do you colour your hair?

My hair has a natural colour called “brown”.

19. Tell us something you’re planning to do today.

Go to work so I’m not fired.

20. When was the last time you cried?

Being a fan of consuming raw onions, every day is crying time.

21. What’s your favourite pizza topping?

Marmite.

22. Hamburger or cheeseburger?

Beef is boring. Neither.

23. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

Several years ago Mr. Wapojif worked a nightshift for the Royal Mail. During this month long period I failed to come to terms with the dramatic shift in my sleeping pattern. By the fifth day I was hallucinating giant pink talking walruses, and had befriended them by the seventh day. For the subsequent three weeks I jabbered incoherently with my new comrades, who returned to Antarctica when my shift with the Royal Mail ended. I later learned the lack of sleep had distorted my faculties.

24. What’s your eye colour?

It changes depending on how hard I jab at them with a sharpened pencil.

25. Can you taste the difference between Coke and Pepsi?

I never drank Pepsi when I was growing up, so no. Mr. Wapojif can’t. I should imagine it’s much like Coke – fizzy, sugary, and with a caffeine high. A disgusting insult to humanity!