It’s one of the great philosophical, and metaphysical, questions of our age. It hit Professional Moron’s esteemed editor like a rusty earbud whilst out and about in his usual manner. We lie, actually, for it was far from usual! Mr. Wapojif enjoyed a pleasant sojourn in Sheffield today, but he was left perplexed by one mighty gaping hole in the grand scheme of things. Where were all the chefs?

Plus, where were all the fields? We’ll come to this in a moment, but first the thorny issue of Sheffield itself. We understand many of our billions of daily readers may be from areas of the world unfamiliar with this noun. It’s not too complex – Sheffield is a city in the North of England.

It’s kind of near Manchester and Nottingham and acts as the jam in the sandwich between these two famous cities. Manchester’s famous for Robin Hood, and Nottingham’s world renowned for Manchester United. Sheffield is famous for Michael Palin.

London is famous for Freddie Mercury and the perpetual stream of sushi restaurants. There’s a dose of English culture for you; a didactic day, eh?

Now we’re clear on the subject, we wish you to don your thinking caps. Now, when one thinks of Sheffield the first images which come to mind for all of us are thusly: chefs in big white hats, rolling fields of greenery, and chefs with big white hats standing in fields of rolling greenery. Most alarmingly, this was not the case. The fields we did see usually had grass and cows in them, and there were no chefs in sights. Consequently, we can only derive this: “Sheffield” is a misnomer.

Predominant greenery was (and were) hills. Lots and lots of hills. We presume the chefs were all in their natural working habitat – buses. A real shame. We weren’t disappointed by this revelation, nor were we angered.

We were merely disappointed AND angered. There’s one thing to lie, but there’s two things to tell berserk fabrications. However, we will forgive Sheffield for Michael Palin. Thanking you.