Christmas is a strange time where people act in an odd jolly way. In England traditions include watching The Great Escape for the 100th time, lying to children about Santa Claus, putting a Christmas Tree up, and cooking a Roast Dinner. The latter are odd things. There be no denying a full on Roast Dinner at Christmas is traditional and mega tasty, with roast potatoes, roast chicken/turkey, roast sprouts, roast gravy, and roast Yorkshire Puddings. However, it all takes around 4 hours to roast in the Roast Machine (also known as an “oven”) yet is consumed heartily in about 25 minutes flat. This is in part due to its tastiness, but also as everyone’s been starving for 4 solid hours waiting for the meal and, consequently, they gorge on the roasted food.
Professional Moron has decided against it this year. Our Christmas Day food preparation will consist of toasting some bread and cooking up some baked beans. Yes, Beans on Toast is a legendary institution in the UK and we’d like to honour it this Yuletide as we’re lazy and insubordinate. And why not? Isn’t it thyme we mock Christmas a wee bit; why treat it with such reverential seriousness? Indeed, so this year we’re not putting up a Christmas Tree. No. We’re putting up a Christmas Hedge, and we’ll decorate it with Communist propaganda! Instead of putting an Angel on top of it, we’ll stick an Angle up there – an acute one, say. We’ll pass on watching The Great Escape in favour of SpongeBob SquarePants, and we shan’t be buying anyone ANY presents. No. We’re going to ram raid a Toys R Us and take our pickings. MWahahahaaa!
We suggest you join us. You don’t have to, but we suggest it. Also, if you’re fed up of listening to Slade’s Christmas song for the 50 millionth time, put the below ditty on whilst you shovel baked beans into your subversive mug. Christmas cheer! Huzzah, I say! Huzzah.