Europeans (that’s RIGHT, not the rest of you reprobates from across the world!) will enjoy a Solar Eclipse tomorrow. Being Nobel Prize for Scienceness winners, Professional Moron wish to provide information to Europeans on how to enjoy this natural wonder (or blunder, depending on your viewpoint) safely, securely, and without frazzling your retinas into a charcoaled mess!

The real trick, of course, is to never stare directly at The Sun. By this we mean the abysmal British tabloid. As for the Sun, don’t stare at it either. You’ll have noticed by now you can’t really look at the Sun without getting a sense of blazing agony in your skull. This is known as gout and it can play havoc with your ability to eat loads of marmalade. Which is annoying.

Another big problem with the Solar Eclipse is eclipseburn. This is much like sunburn, except not at all. What happens to the human body when it does not receive sunlight is this: it is exsanguinated, shrivelling up in the process (much like a prune), before exploding with the power of a particularly nasty sneezing fit. To avoid this fate, buy a sunbed for use during the Solar Eclipse. You can flog it on eBay afterwards to fake tan seeking morons (who will have survived virtue of their tannedness), thusly basking, not in sun rays, but in your gloriously canny benefiting of the stupidity of human kind. That was some sentence!

Finally we’d like to clear up the Solar Eclipse isn’t a message from aliens or anything. It’s simply the Moon (the grey thing in the sky which is much more boring than the Sun) drunkenly staggering across the path of the Sun on its merry way through the merry-go-round of the merry Milky Way. Pretty glorious, right? Not if you stare directly at it, it isn’t. You have been warned.