How Fish and Chips Soup Will Save British Society

Fish and Chips
Chips with fish. Also known as Fish and Chips.

Being from the UK, Professional Moron knows far too little about nutrition, health, diet, and other stuff related to human biology, physiology, and trichoptilosis (split ends). What we do know is how to overindulge on beer, scones, and tea laced with 17 spoonfuls of sugar.

Naturally, being British, we enjoy Fish and Chips. This is a British diet staple. Much in the way a staple is integral to a stapler, Fish and Chips is (and are) integral to the British way of life. You take a Fish and Chips supper away from a British person, and you remove their very soul. Within seconds he or she would crumple in a heap on the floor whilst emanating an unusual hissing noise, as if deflating like a balloon. Alas, the poor British person is no more.

This is a medical condition known as Chippyitis and its consequences are far reaching and pretty terminal. This is where Professional Moron leaps to the rescue – we propose a new recipe which can quickly force the life giving nutrients of Fish and Chips into an Englishman (or woman).

As with most things in life, soup is the answer. In Mr. Wapojif’s thesis, titled The Nature of Fish and Chips Pertaining To The Naturalisation of Fish and Chips in the British Person’s Diet (CHIPS for short), he lays forth the life saving measures required. On every public street corner (roughly three billion in the UK) there must be a ready made supply of Fish and Chips soups – these can be placed on stands which will be known as Chipspitals. At least three score ten of the things must be available at all thymes. Thusly, in the event of a devastating outbreak of Chippyitis, do-gooder citizens can rush to their nearest Chipspital and force the mush down the throat of the nearest sufferer. 

We don’t like to boast about stuff, but this is almost certainly going to win Professional Moron the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. We won’t rest on our laurels, however, as next we intend to tackle the great donut tragedy: how to make donuts when humanity has used up the Earth’s supply of nuts. Our solution? Invade the first alien planet we come across and steal their supply.


  1. If the Fish and Chips meal includes bread crumbs on the fish – what in Israel we call fish schnitszel – then I propose this Chipstipal will be available globally. I would like 5 stands in my house, personally.


    • Schnitszel… yes. Indeed. Yes! The fish in the UK (typically cod or haddock) is placed in batter and deep fat fried. It’s ridiculously unhealthy, but quite tasty. Yo.


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