Everyone’s bloody well going on about zombies these days. There’s that show The Walking Dead (in which no one ever says “zombie”), that film with Brad Pitt innit, that film with Cillian Murphy, that other one with Robert Carlyle, Titanic, and those Resident Evil video games. In short, you can’t move for popular culture churning another infested mumbling, shuffling zombie fest in your direction.
There’s something attractive to humans about zombies. Maybe it’s the coming back to life bit – perhaps people want that, even if all you get to do is waddle about the place gurgling. It would kind of be like being a kid again, except minus the birthday cake, games of conkers, and occasional fall and high-pitched shrieking session.
What with zombies being made of rotting flesh we kind of think a proper zombie food should be made. Never mind Halloween and those stupid pumpkins, we mean a real gut wrenchingly grotesque mishmash of malodorous stuff and a dollop of ice cream (vanilla) for good measure.
We name this abomination the Zompie! The ingredients can be anything, so long as they’ve “gone off”. We highly recommend mouldy old cheese, carrots which do that weird bendy thing when they’re past their prime, cauliflower which has gone that odd grey colour but you think you can get away with it as it’s just a bloody cauliflower, and oranges which have inexplicably grown a hairy back (i.e. they’ve burst out in a massive mould spot for no reason).
You can add in other stuff, though, such as curdled milk, potatoes which appear to be sprouting a potato tree from their brains, and celery which has wilted and looks at you like you’ve called it a wastrel. Churn them all together in a blender, jam them into a pie tin, stick a dead sheep on top, and there you go. Zompie! Glory be to us, we are so gosh darned smart!