Great TV Shows That Never Were: F.R.I.E.N.D.S (Friends)

This is P.H.O.E.B.E from our version of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Cool, eh?

We’re closing a trilogy of TV show related posts today with Friends. Or “Fwends” if you have a speech impediment. Oh yes.

Yes, Friends was a massive sitcom from 1994-2004 which made a million imbeciles weep whenever Ross & Rachel split up again (at least twice per season). Despite some of the stupidity in the show, earlier seasons were genuinely brilliant. They were very well written, acted, and provided witticisms about 20 somethings in the 1990s.

The problems started with the final 4 seasons when the writers ran out of ideas and the show became a caricature of itself. Plus, don’t get us started on the damn theme tune. Also, don’t get us started on the show it could have been – F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

This would have followed the life of 20 something robots in the 1990s as they tried to find gainful employment, love, enhanced Artificial Intelligence, and WD40. The characters would have been:

J.O.E.Y – Performed by Matt The Plank, JOEY is a bit of a loveable dimwit who is, sadly, prone to bouts of insane violence. He keeps losing parts in cheesy TV shows, dodgy plays, and TV ads when he malfunctions, often careering off set to shred the limbs off innocent bystanders.

R.A.C.H.E.L – A well designed robot who is a bit spoilt and so keeps spilling oil everywhere, causing everyone else to skid all over the place in pursuit of her looks and money. RACHEL is oblivious to this, but well meaning, eventually forming a long term relationship with ROSS until she self-destructs and annihilates herself.

Ross Gellar – A scientist who has befriended a bunch of robots and falls madly in love with RACHEL. Ross is a total nerd, right, and has a habit of picking his nose and flicking the bogeys at police officers. Whenever he’s arrested for this, he calls JOEY who breaks into prison to rescue him. Ross is eventually maimed beyond recognition when RACHEL self-destructs.

M.O.N.I.C.A – Ross’ artificial sister created by Ross when he was younger. She malfunctions regularly and has been known to attack humans without provocation. She enters into a relationship with CHANDLER and eventually gives birth with an Apple Watch (this is intended as a convoluted inside Friends joke – Chandler’s surname is Bing. Apple Watches go “bing!” when they get a message (we’re guessing) – anyone smart enough to get that!?).

P.H.O.E.B.E – The Hippy of the group, PHOEBE is programmed to be weird 24/7. She accomplishes this by braying like a donkey at extraordinarily loud volume (courtesy of her pre-installed ghetto blaster).

F.R.I.E.N.D.S would have won many Emmy Awards and eventually be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for its services to enhancing the global acceptance, and appreciation, of psychotically deranged robots. What a shame it did nae go ahead. What a shame!

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