Most of us have (and has) been on a banana boat at some stage or another. To be frankly frank, we found the experience torrid, turgid, torrential, turbulent, tumultuous, tempestuous, and unsatisfactory. You see those big yellow things and you think, “Gee whizz, Elvis, that’ll be fun!”.
Naturally the above scenario means you have to be best mates with Elvis Presley, but you can insert the name of whatever you want into Elvis’ place. Ringo Starr, Sting, Bono, Justin Bieber, or what not. Anyway, the point is that hypothesis is full of lies. Banana boats aren’t fun and have little to do with bananas.
So we’ve established in the above introduction our disdain for banana boats. Putrid bloody things with effervescent, fun creating inanities! The problem is, right, if the ocean’s particularly rough it’s like being buffeted about by an outraged bull. And we’re on about one outraged bull, here. Indeed, he’s just been called an ugly SOB and been told he’s on nothing but gruel for a month.
You see the concept for banana boats is this: fun. And what is fun? Fun is something which doesn’t make your very being feel like it’s being garrotted. This may seem OTT, but, FYI, this was Professional Moron’s banana boat experience. It were gross.
What’s the solution? Professional Moron’s inimitable habit is to take established products and make them either: exceptionally dangerous, severe violations of numerous human rights acts, or just outright insane. Thusly we have the Pomegranate Boat!
This spherical beauty looks exactly like a pomegranate and is roughly 20ft by 20ft. Consenting human beings (also known as “consumers”) are attached to the boat with staple guns and glue, and the Pomegranate Boat is then dragged at immense velocity across open expanses of water (by the world’s most powerful speedboat).
Up to 20 people can fit on the boat at a time, and there’s roughly a 10% chance of surviving the ordeal. Whilst these odds may sound somewhat dubious, it has to be mentioned the sheer unadulterated fun of the Pomegranate Boat makes it all worthwhile!
Professional Moron has analogous boats in the works, too: the Probably Deactivated Nuclear Warhead boat, the Dead Cow Corpse boat (to attract sharks for consumer wildlife “interaction”), the Butcher’s Knife Boat, and the boat. Which is an actual boat. Watch this space for more news!