As Tea Week draws to a close, we ask the big question: Does drinking coffee make you a Communist? Oh, hang on… that’s the wrong question. We got a bit confused there. What we really mean is this: Which is better – coffee or tea? Raging sycophants we may well be, but this only partially influences the colossal favouritism towards tea which we’re about to showcase.

It’s not that we hate coffee, it’s just it’s come to represent everything we think is wrong with the world: Hipsters, Starbucks, cheap energy kicks, coffee breath, those people who get really fussy about how they expect their coffee to be prepared, and of course the progressive rise of the popularity of coffee over tea. This won’t stand, so today we’re here to espouse in an impartial manner why coffee is pants and tea is the Supreme Overlord of Beverages.

A Brief History of Stuff Wrong with Coffee

Coffee has existed for ages, but in modern times it represents the greed, sloth, and corruption of a once polite society. Back in olden times, people would sit around politely sipping at Earl Grey, complimenting each other, and staring out of windows whilst remarking about the build-up of condensation.

This was the way of life in England for hundreds of years – it was prim, it was proper, and if one needed an energy kick one could stroll off down the road to see the latest gut wrenchingly putrid public beheading, torturing, or hanging, drawing, and quartering. It was either this or go off to see a Shakespeare play. LOL!!! No thanks, dude!

Nowadays society has hit the doldrums. There aren’t weekly beheadings for dubious reasons, sexism isn’t rife, other cultures are tolerated, and guys are allowed to grow their hair long. Plus, there are Hipsters. This is all due to coffee! One can stroll into a Starbucks and order a preposterous combination of cinnamon, whipped cream, double cream, and organic full roast coffee bean. Needless to say, this has severe health consequences and equally severe implications for humanity. Here are but a few:

• Coffee drinkers have a 3% higher chance of developing scurvy than non-coffee drinkers.
• Coffee can cause humans to spontaneously combust.
• Coffee has been linked to: eye strain, cardiovascular problems (such as slightly disconcerting heavy breathing), gout, cataracts, athlete’s foot, dandruff, and several narcissistic personality disorders.
• Coffee causes global wars and other catastrophes.
• Coffee is made by Communists.

A Brief History of Stuff Right with Tea

Tea (as you can double-check in our the Book of Tea review) encourages positive behaviour. Coffee is seen as a drink for those “on the go” – the stress heads of the world who feel like their very being will implode should they not receive their fix.

Conversely, Tea drinkers actively take time out to relax, enjoy their drink, and acknowledge the world around them. In short, tea drinkers are better than everybody else on this planet. As you learned about Teaism yesterday, the philosophy involves finding a moment to enjoy oneself in this imperfect world.

There are health benefits as well. We’ll highlight some of the facts* below and leave you to decide whether you want to stay on the dark side, or join Luke Skywalker and George Orwell in a world of well made beverages, contemplation, and lower blood pressure.

• Tea drinkers are 90% less physically violent than coffee drinkers and drunk pedestrians.
• Drinking tea will ensure you lead a long and happy life (at least surviving to 20, according to recent statistics).
• Tea is the choice of the rich and famous (thereby making you far more likely to be rich and famous one day).
• Tea drinkers never take Selfies.
• Tea is known to cure the following: ageing, itching, severe body odour issues, ingrowing toenails, delusions of grandeur, excessive sweating, excessive profanity, and a s*** load of ****ing other things.

*MOST OF THE STATEMENTS INCLUDED IN THIS POST ARE FABRICATED BY OUR ESTEEMED EDITOR MR. WAPOJIF.