Evolutionary Theory: Why Sloths Are So Goddamn Lazy

Why sloths are lazy
Get off the bloody floor, you lazy git!

The sloth is partially asleep 25 hours a day 12 days a week such is its intrinsic laziness. Truly, this is the most slothful animal on this largely green and blue Earth. Kind of ironic, then, that it should so ironically have the name sloth. A pretty useful coincidence there, eh? Kind of like honey bees and honey – miraculous similarities ahoy!

You’ll no doubt be aware of the central theme of the sloth: the creatures are goddamn slow. So goddamn slow, in fact, that after tens of millions of years of evolution one simply has to presume the things are bloody lazy. Why else would you be that slow? Compare it to, for instance, a cheetah. Those bad boys can run at speeds of 60mph. Now let’s return to the sloth, which probably can’t even manage 60 miles in its entire lifetime. What is going on here?

The Truth About Sloths

First up, what are sloths? The sloth is a medium-sized mammal which can be classified into six species: two-toed sloths, three-toed sloths, four-toed sloths, five-toed sloths, six-toed sloths, and great white sharks. You’ll find the sloth inhabits the jungles of South America, but you can occasionally find one hanging zoned out at your local zoo.

Disgustingly (for us humans), sloths are so damn lazy they can’t be bothered shifting other creatures off their bodies. As a result, the sloth is a fantastic home for the likes of moths, beetles, cockroaches, fungi, and algae. Yeah, that’s right, the sloth is positively thriving with an effervescent array of gross insects! What the hell?! What unprecedented laziness sees a creature allow cockroaches to romp merrily all over their body? Freaks!

Why, we must ask, are they this way? As with most cases of indolence, the slothful nature can be attributed to general impertinence and or petulance. The sloth is a grumpy animal; pretentious, too! The sloth is known to turn its nose up at other animals, such as donkeys, believing itself to be superior. What a narcissistic SOB!

The Personality Disorders Mount Up

You could argue perhaps the poor sloth is weighed down by its rampaging cockroach infestation. You could argue this, or alternatively you could view it as a sloth providing a pathetic excuse. You know, like those people who say stuff like: “I can’t work and so must therefore go on government funded benefits due to the bone crunching accident which shredded every limb from my body.” Bloody layabouts!

Indeed, as with those freeloading sorts the sloth has a myriad of severe personality disorders which weigh down its brain to such an extent it moves at the speed of a drunken, passed out football hooligan. Woe betide the sloth and its foibles – they are deficiencies born out of tactless indifference. May the sloth be a lesson to all of us about the curse of being a bit of a, you know, git.


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