Exclusive Recipe: Beans on Bread (for the indolent amongst us)

Beans on bread
It’s bread and it’s ready for beans.

Whilst we love beans on toast we’ve always, always been left outraged by the need to toast up the bread after putting in all that effort after heating the baked beans. We’re not ones to remark this is barbaric or that toast or hard work belong in the Middle Ages, but we would like to make the claim it’s incongruous to force hard working people such as ourselves to hang around waiting for a toaster to toast.

In this day and age, speed is everything. The 120 seconds or so wasted waiting for bread to toast could be spent stalking random celebrities on Twitter, or making outraged remarks in comments sections online*. Furthermore, we recently discussed at what precise moment bread becomes toast, now we’re interested in knowing the precise moment does indolence become socially acceptable. Not that it is indolence. Well, it is. Ignore our feeble attempts to state otherwise, we just want to perfect the art of laziness. We believe this recipe is a step closer to this.

Beans on Bread

We recently produced the recipe Peas on Toast which led one reader to call us and remark: “You are the spawn of Satan!” Whilst it’s true we’re attempting to formulate a beans on stuff empire, we resent being associated with Satan and his cohorts. To quell any further distress, let us merely state the following bread option is just this: an option. The devil and company will not bother you due to your preference for the bedding you provide for baked beans.

Thusly, we have beans on bread. You know how to make beans on toast? Then you know how to make beans on bread. It’s merely a case of emptying the beans into something (preferably a pan, although you could use a wok, a George Foreman grill, a kettle, or your – rather ironically – toaster if you’re lacking any of these) and heat them into they’re bubbling crazily and beginning to glue themselves to the base of your heating implement.

Congratulations! Your beans are ready. Now the beauty of this recipe: transport the beans to your pre-buttered bread and tip the little darlings onto your bread (make sure every bean fulfils its destiny – no spillage, no stray beans left in your kettle). Viola! No messing around with your potentially lethal toaster, just flat out tasty food in an instant!

The End of Toast?

We’re not hyperbolic doomsayers here at Professional Moron, but this does signal the end for toast. Once people (students and unemployable wretches in particular) discover one does not need to toast bread in order to enjoy it, we have a revolution on our hands. Indeed, it’ll be the bread based equivalent of the Russian Revolution and it will involve gunfire, bone-crunching agony, and sandwiches.

Beans on bread is set to change the world. Through its newfangled laziness, toaster induced deaths will plummet and the world will come to love bread for what it was created for: beans. Indeed, at this stage we’d like to request the history books be altered to lament the creator of toast as a deranged and decrepit doomsday purveyor. What a fiend! Enjoy your bread.

*Okay, so whilst waiting for the bread to toast we could still do this, but this risks forgetting the bread is toasting. This can result in burning your home to the ground and could leave you with third degree burns – a risk we’d rather not take.


  1. Do you allow substitutions in your recipes? How about lentils on bread? What about beans on pita bread? You can’t toast pita bread! Do chick peas count as beans or peas?


    • Beans on pita bread I’ve tried before and, unsurprisingly, it works well. I toasted the pita bread because I am a rebel.

      Chickpeas are peas – the hint is in the name!! The recipes on this blog are open to all changes. You can add anything you want – even bits of furniture!


Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.