Brexit: Britain Leaves EU to Escape Aliens & Expensive Sandwiches


Britain has done the thinkable and will be leaving the EU in the not too inevitable future. For some, it’s a time to get hammered and celebrate the realisation of a thing. For others, it’s the time to lament a move away from a unified Europe. For everyone, it’s a time to live in hope charges for cucumber sandwiches will improve.

Brexit (as it has been known) campaigners may have employed dubious tactics to brainwash folks who don’t know anything about politics, but it must be applauded for its achievement of achieving its goal. We applaud it like individuals with only one arm, by punching our only hand based limb into our faces to create a sound analogous to clapping. Huzzah!

Wait… What’s Happened?

There’s been a vote in the UK to determine whether Britain stays in the European Union. 16 million people voted to stay in, 17 million voted to leave. By the laws of mathematics, this means the Leave vote won by 60 billion votes.

What Happens to Britain Now?

Britain is now an independent state governed by the Queen of Super Great Britain* – she is now Supreme Overlord of this nation.

Prime Minister David Cameron has been forced to resign on pain of death. UKIP’s inebriated, funny face pulling autocratic ruler, Nigel Farage, will become the Queen’s equerry (see the Madness of King George for further details on what that is) and the British press will be monitored by a team of ketamine-fueled British Bulldogs.

Britain’s citizens will now be able to exercise greater freedom in the country in which they were born and raised, with previously EU blocked activities such as spontaneous bellowing, public nose-picking competitions, and casual indifference to foreign affairs now readily available to all.

5 Things Which Will Happen in Brexit

Whilst some people will be disappointed by the Brexit development, we should celebrate the fact fellow far right morons Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, and the UK’s attention seeking stupidity machine Katie Hopkins hail it as fantabulous news.

Indeed, to support their thumbs up we’ve got five things which are sure to make Brexit just super and validate the commitment Brexiters made to leaving the EU.

1: A Two-Fingered Salute to Europe

For too long have we shared an amicable and progressive relationship with our neighbouring countries. As a small island floating as a cast off from the North Atlantic ocean, Britain has been a bit too separate from the rest of Europe, with France and Belgium awkwardly staring up our backside whilst Norway heckles us off on the North East.

Now we tell them to get stuffed and plan our invasion! This is what we presume the plan is to make Britain Great again… or perhaps we’ll need to trade with these countries. Whatever, maybe we can invade them and then trade with them after they’ve been conquered, thusly allowing us to command outrageous prices for, say, some cucumber sandwiches.

2: No More Aliens

Right wingers sure have droned on and on about immigration over the last few years. They’ve missed the point.

By Going Brexit, the UK can finally eradicate the alien invasions which have been occurring. Any alien invaders will be gunned down by Britain’s fine arsenal of weaponry. Apt timing for the release of Independence Day: Resurgence, huh? I say! How jolly spiffing.

3: Making Britain Great Again

The Leave camp wants to make Britain Great again and this is the glorious opportunity to do so! Here are just a few of our ideas about how we can go about getting Greater:

  • Punch anyone who says we aren’t Great
  • Throw mud at anyone who says we aren’t Great
  • Build great things such as really massive statues, nuclear warheads, and 3D cinemas
  • Emphasise great places already in England, such as Great Yarmouth, with signs stating: “Great Yarmouth is Great!”
  • Instead of handing out knighthoods, hand out Greathoods
  • Invade as many other countries as possible, re-establish the British Empire, and dominate the world with a casually brutal stiff upper lip reserve

We can now trade with whomever we bloody well want. Why limit ourselves to trade routes designated by the EU, who steal a slice of our share anyway (this is probably how it works, we can’t remember – just as well we voted on this ignorance).

After we’ve bombed the crap out of aliens, why not open up a trade route with them? We can break the ice by catching the Independence Day: Resurgence movie, followed by having an argument about VAT, and then agree to trade our UK products (such as football hooligans and vinegar) for theirs (intergalactic spaceships, ray guns, recipes for eternal life etc.) – fair swap!

5: No More Climate Change

Now we’re separate from the rest of Europe, WE DO NOT accept any of the air pollution which drifts into our air space.

Indeed, we shall be setting up giant fans around the coast of England to blast Europe’s putrid air back into its stupid face. Take that, EU you sick yew tree supporting, ewe farming hippies!


Brexit secures a future for Britain which involves exiting things and exiting into things (better known as “entering”). By taking this not learned step (it would be learned if it was learned, but it isn’t) we’ve secured a future for Great Britain.

We’ve no idea if any of it will work out, but rest assured a decision was made which instigated it all. Thusly, in 20 years when we look back and chortle from our new Empire or apocalyptic ruin, it’ll all be much clearer, easier, and less not easy.

It’s a brave new world brought about largely by ignorance and stupidity, but Britain is now poised upon the cusp of a historic upheaval! We’re like an intoxicated football hooligan attempting to steer a foul smelling kebab into his rioting face – we can do it! Let’s make Britain Great again. For England, James?

*By leaving the EU, we have now been able to change our national name to Super Great Britain (the double positive highlighting just how Great we are).

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