The chances are you’ll have used a spoon today. Good for you! Spoons are great and you need them for all manner of spoon related tasks. Whether you’re stirring a cup of tea, tucking into some soup, or fending off some crazed Pokémon GO players (note how topical we are?). A spoon is always a useful addition to your hand.

The rest of the time you can store your spoon up one of your spare nostrils or, more traditionally, in your spoon drawer in the kitchen. We all have a spoon drawer, don’t deny it, and in it you may have a dozen spoons or so. No spoon is your favourite, they’re all merely a collective bundle of joy. So join us today as we rejoice, do a jig of delight, and celebrate the humble spoon. Huzzah!

A Brief History of the Spoon

What is a spoon? Good old reductionism will help us there! It’s a kitchen utensil which proffers up a small bowl which is attached to what is essentially a handle. By hoiking the handle up and down it is possible to transport a small amount of something from one destination to another (typically from a bowl into your stupid face, atypically from your stupid face into a bowl).

Spoons have existed since ancient Egyptian times. Back then they were 12ft by 12ft and were made from cement and mud – up to half a dozen slaves were required to operate them. As aeons elapsed, the design became more streamlined and people used asbestos or semtex to make them.

These days they’re made out of plastic, metal, or lead and are typically used to stir excessively expensive coffee drinks from Starbucks. They are also popular for consuming cereals such as cornflakes, porridge, and, of course, soups.

The extensive, and often tragic, partnership between soups and spoons deserves its own subheading, which is what we’ll do now as we spoon out the history of these kitchen utensils to you gullible idiots*.

Soups & Spoons

Soups and spoons have worked together in unison for aeons, ironically at times with people called Ian. Before spoons, one had to scoop one’s hands into the often scalding hot soup in order to transport it to one’s face. Naturally, this often led to scoopers receiving third-degree burns. This was unacceptable.

Spoons were subsequently invented to ensure soup turned from an often deadly dinner into a favourite pastime. Once the spoon was invented it did – now, in contemporary life, we’re free soup induced burns. Which is cool. Nowadays the soup and spoon live in perfect harmony, complementing each other in the way a hat complements a person in need of a hat.

So it’s clear the spoon is set for a future filled with grandeur – can you imagine a world without them? It’d be less… pure. You’d also have colossal, agonising burns all over your arms due to soup scooping. Which would be bloody horrible.

*Note to editor: Please remove this from the final copy as I don’t want to alienate or upset our brain-dead reader base. As we all know, the worst thing one can do as a journalist is offend one’s idiotic readers.