It’s one of those questions which will leave the average layman stumped, but luckily Professional Moron is on the case today. We’re answering that big old head scratcher: “What in the name of bejeezus is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?” The question has plagued many, but the answers are deceptively simple.

On the face of it, there’s no difference in the slightest. They’re massive scaly monsters with a tail at one end and an enormous mouth (populated by masses of teeth) at the other. Who even cares what the difference is? Just steer well clear and let these toothy dudes get on with their lives. However, human nature being the way it is, we need to know. Bloody hell, here we go then.

See you Later Alligator

We think it’s safe to establish neither beast can be domesticated. Sadly, you won’t be able to introduce your friends and family to your 15ft pet alligator Fluffy. This is a shame, but your pet cat, dog, hamster, or ostrich will have to suffice for your lifetime.

Anyway, the alligator (see the image above) exactly resembles a crocodile, but with more of a suntan. They’re a bit smaller than crocodiles (by a few feet here and there) and you spell their name as “alligator” as opposed to “crocodile”.

The beast typically frolics in water and land, although it spends 90% of its days motionless, simply because its a goddamn lazy SOB. This is aided by its lack of natural predators, as not even a bazooka could put a dent into the little darling.

After a While, Crocodile

The crocodile looks exactly the same as an alligator, except for the sanctimonious grin affixed to its terrifying face. Why is the crocodile so pleased with itself? Pretty much because all it has to do in life is lie about the place, occasionally rising to annihilate whatever unfortunate thing gets in its way. Only the Queen of England has it easier.

It has a different spelling of its name than the alligator, but also frolics on land and in the water. Here it dines upon fish, humans, donkeys, zebras, and presumably any passing alien invaders (no wonder we’ve never come across any, our planet’s wildlife surely annihilates them before they have a chance to declare war on humanity).

The crocodile spends around 91% of its time motionless, as its added size means no one can argue with it being lazier than an alligator. No wonder the bloody creature is so smug.

Conclusion

They’re exactly the same. Which idiot determined these things are different species!? It will save everyone a great deal of time in the future to stop pretending the alligator and crocodile are different species.

This isn’t same inane conspiracy theory! It’s clear for anyone with an IQ above 60 to see – the alligator is a crocodile (or the crocodile is an alligator). Here’s the evidence:

• They look exactly the same
• They behave exactly the same
• They hang out in the same places
• They eat exactly the same animals
• They’re interminably lazy
• They’re extremely unfriendly, to the point of extreme belligerence

There you have it. We’ll be forwarding this post to the National Alligator/Crocodile Associations in England whilst kicking up a fuss in the press to highlight the urgency of the matter. Brexit? Climate change? Male pattern balding? Sod those irrelevant issues! This is a matter of extreme urgency!