This saying has always confused us a great deal, what with us not being able to oscillate and all that. How can good things come to those who can’t oscillate? Are we doomed to a life of bad things happening to us based on some arbitrary law of stupidity?! In physics, the definition is: “vary in magnitude or position in a regular manner about a central point.” How the hell do you do that? Man! This saying is disgustingly prejudiced.

How does one determine what a “central point” is, anyway? The hypocritical thing here is that oscillation is not arbitrary, it’s fairly banal. How judgmental does this thing need to be? Think of a swinging pendulum or perpetual motion machine – now, according to the laws of this sanctimonious statement, good things await it. What good things? Well, let’s pontificate!

Good Things Come to Those Whom Oscillate

Notice how we adjusted the language there? We felt it was worthwhile, given how this stupid rule has decided to tell people how good things will happen. By oscillating! So we had a good hard think about this and these are the “good” things we figured would occur due to anyone who dares oscillate in the misguided belief good stuff will happen:

• Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI – also known as the Really Stupid Injury)
• Dizziness (and the associated nausea and falling over)
• General malaise
• Weight loss
• Confusion
• An inability to make any sandwiches (seriously, try and make sandwiches if your entire world is oscillating… actually, we’re not sure if this would be difficult or not)
• Alienation from society (try and explain to your friends and family what you’re doing – you’ll immediately be a social outcast)

As you can observe quite readily, the best out of that lot is probably weight loss, unless of course you enjoy being dizzy or you want to claim time off work due to RSI. Everything else is bogus – we wouldn’t class falling over and being nauseous as “good” stuff. This saying is balderdash!

Erm… it’s “Wait” Not “Oscillate”

Good things come to those whom… wait? Since when?! Well, we looked it up and this English phrase was invented by Violet Fane in 1892: “All things come to those who wait”. Several stupid companies have stolen this for their stupid adverts, most famously stupid Guinness with its stupid alcoholic beverages.

Well, we would be embarrassed about messing this up, but as we’re so moronic we’re able to overcome such emotional barriers as we’re not able to comprehend higher thought. What we can do is pour scorn onto this equally moronic saying, which is analogous to those oddballs who claim “everything happens for a reason”. Oh yeah? Mr. Wapojif stubbed his toe last week, what possible reason could that have been for? Hmmmm?!

This saying can be similarly demolished. For instance, let’s define a good thing – marbles. Marbles are great! To attain marbles, however, one does not wait – one has to go to a store to buy them. Now we kind of understand the saying promotes the virtue of patience, but we say balls to that! Good things come to those who hate to wait. So there.