If you’re like us at Professional Moron, you’ll have used summer as an opportunity to claim it’s too warm to exercise. This means we’re heading into autumn, the most provocative season of the year, with the need to go on a diet and get our Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque physiques back on track.

This is why we’ve invented the frying pin – it’s been devised to ensure you cook less food, consequently guaranteeing your calorie intake remains low and your waistline trim and toned. Make no mistake about it, the frying pin is a pin. You can just about fit a chunk of something on the end, but its lack of gargantuan status ensures your daily food intake will be reduced to about 100 calories. Emaciation awaits!

The Frying Pin

Frying pans are big cumbersome things which most men will be too macho to admit they secretly find quite heavy to lift up. When those bad boys are laden down with half a dozen gently sizzling sausages, three spitting eggs, a tin of bubbling beans, and a bouncy beef tomato, it gets really heavy.

Enter the frying pin, which is incredibly easy to lift and is quite wondrously fantastic for those on a diet. The frying pin is a mere £150 ($250) and is made out of a special type of material so it won’t melt. Turn your hob on as normal, place some food on your pin, stick it on the hob, and watch the pathetic little morsel of food cook.

Due to the intense heat involved, we’ve also invented some frying pincers with which you can pick up your frying pin. Without the pincers, you’ll have to use your hands. This will, unfortunately, fry the skin off your fingers and render them largely unusable. Brilliantly, the pincers are but a mere £100 ($200) additional cost. What do you mean?! That’s perfectly reasonable!

Furthermore, the frying pin also doubles up as a toothpick, so once you’ve barely eaten anything you can then ensure your pearly gnashers are free from food remnants. This will help further your pursuit of aesthetic perfection.

This is Highly Impractical!

Well now hang on a minute, don’t judge until you’ve tried it! We got a group of people to use the frying pin. Some of them (being a bit stupid) preferred to not bother with the pincers and merrily groped at the scorchingly hot electric hob unit.

We should indicate the following: their ear-piercingly high pitched screams of discomfort almost sounded like cackles of delight as opposed to dismay. Bear this in mind when you go to pick yourself up a frying pin, huh?

After our injured testers had been rushed to hospital, our remaining batch reported some fascinating results. Our favourite quote came from Larry. He chortled: “The frying pin is bloody woeful. I am disgusted, dis-bloody-gusted these bloody cretins are allowed to bloody well create contraptions of considerable bloody peril and menace to society. Them lot should be bloody well fired from a bloody cannon into the bloody sun!” Now if that’s not a glowing recommendation, we don’t know what is!