One of the wonders of the modern world is how men can remain so hairy. Evolution has ensured the modern male doesn’t need to be covered in hair, with only certain key areas (*ahem*) remaining hairy, with most areas (such as eyeballs and toenails) remaining hair free. This is for a variety of reasons, but some women aren’t happy about any of it!
Professional Moron - I hate your blog but I decided to turn to you for advice as a last resort. So... I can't say I like my husband but what I loathe is how hairy he is. He's like a goddamn monster. Hairy arms, hairy legs, hairy nose, hairy back, hairy eyebrows, hairy goddamn hair! I'm sick of the sight of his bloody hair!! How do I make it stop growing? Regards, Jane
Hi, Jane! That’s a hairy situation you got yourself into, you hare-brained lady you! We jest. Although, really, why did you marry such a hairy man if you don’t like hair? We presume he’s extremely rich which is, as we all know, perfectly acceptable grounds to start any intimate relationship.
Unfortunately, however, his hair will continue to grow until he is dead. Even after his demise it will continue growing for several weeks, we believe. You can look forward to the onset of male pattern balding, however, which should rob him of his head hair. This simply leaves several offending areas, for which we have a solution.
A Guide to Hair Removal
If your husband is so hairy he’s probably obstinate and lacking in self-awareness. We don’t want to jump to conclusions or make sweeping generalisations, but all men are like this, so don’t bother approaching them about the issue as they’ll only ignore you. You’ll have to do this the hard way.
One option is to get him drunk. An inebriated man likes to live out his student years again, so as a bet dare him to shave all his hair off – he’ll likely agree, go totally bald, and then pass out drunk and awaken screaming in unbridled terror. Do this once every other month and you’ll be sorted.
An alternative is to woman up and do it yourself (whilst he sleeps). Get a razor sharp cutthroat razor, wait till he’s entered REM sleep, and then shave it all off. In the morning, when he roars “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!”, inform him your house was burgled during the night and all they nabbed was his hair.
If perfectly plausible reasoning fails to sway his hairy ways, it’s time to get your own (hairy) back. Visit your local hairdresser and ask for a big bin bag full of cut hair. Glue some of this lot to your face and back so you look like you have a beard and whatnot, then return home to shame him.
Go everywhere with your husband like this. He will be so ashamed he will take to dropping to his knees in despair and shrieking wildly into the middle-distance at random intervals during the day. You can also start tipping remnants from you hairy bin bag into his morning coffee, lunchtime thermos, and evening soup.
Ultimately, he’ll eventually become so sick of the sight of hair he’ll make an emergency appointment in one of those waxing clinics and forever more adopt the Jason Statham look. Get in there, eh? Phwoar!