Season’s greetings, readers! The New Year is nearly upon us, which means it will be 2017 and that’s another year towards your CV. This means you’ll no doubt have to come up with a few New Year’s resolutions which you won’t bother sticking too… until now! Yes, we’ve invented an inflatable type of resolution which we’ve dubbed the New Year’s Reve-Inflation (you know, a revelation which is inflatable).
This, of course, doesn’t mean you have to go ahead and get that Arnold Schwarzenegger body you said you would. You can just ignore the resolutions you’ve set yourself. However, rest assured, these reve-inflations will haunt your every moment and leave you realising you are a humiliated, miserable failure! Nothing beats a good old reality check, eh? That’s exactly the revelation you need, boyo!
New Year’s Reve-Inflations
How it works is easy – you send us a list of your planned New Year’s resolutions and we’ll turn to our Reve-Inflation O’Matic X2. It’s a trusty helium machine with a fantastic track record of behaving itself; the X1 had a habit of leaking helium which resulted in a drug induced dance off in the Professional Moron office to the Spice Girl’s Wannabe. Mr. Wapojif won.
Getting a bit exhausted by the repeated dance offs (up to half a dozen a day thanks to the X1), we invented the X2. Leak free, it now blows up the balloons for us so we can get on with syphoning through your idiotic resolutions.
You know the sort of stuff: lose weight, get a new hairdo, climb Mount Everest, ingest more healthy food and drink, get married, get a tattoo on your eyeball – that sort of nonsense. You send us that, we’ll then blow them up (in the balloon sense – if you require any detonation services, please contact our TNT department) with good old helium and our balloon modeller, Mr. Wapojif, will shape the balloons into the words of your resolutions.
Our man is a highly skilled professional with a month of experience. His one foible is the squeaky, crunching sound as he shapes the balloons is so repulsive for him he has a habit of drooling all over the balloons. If you’re dissatisfied with the amount of slobber on your product, you’ll receive a 2.5% discount on your next order!
“Not Sold So Far… Sorry, No Offence!”
Erm… I’m sorry? What do you mean? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN!? This is genius! You will buy our reve-inflations and you’ll be bloody happy about it. NOW! At a mere £50 ($70) a balloon, you can transform your life! Wake up in the morning and have your resolution right in your face floating about – you may even bump your head into the balloon and plunge down your staircase. That’ll teach you to lie about your intentions!
Reve-inflations will be delivered to your property pre-inflated and will stay inflated for roughly 4 months thanks to the mixture of helium, methane, ammonia, neon, hydrogen, and hot air. Yes, those resolutions will be haunting you deep into spring, leaving you to curse Professional Moron’s existence. Wotevs. We know we’re awesome.