It’s detox season and, here at Professional Moron, we’re in the mood to try out some of the more radical theories out there. Indeed, there’s a school of thought which suggests ingesting poodle hair is a tremendous way to cleanse one’s organs, flush the toxins out of one’s system, and return a happy sheen to one’s mug. Hell yeah! We can handle that.

We all know about noodles, too. They’re those things which look like spaghetti, but aren’t, yet are still super tasty and hideously bad for you… unless you go for groovy vegan varieties, such as with the epic Soba brand! We’re not doing that, though, as the combination of any dodgy noodles with poodle hair is enough to cancel out the badness to deliver one mega health kick. Oh yeah!

Noodles and Poodle Hair Smoothie

All you’ll need for this recipe is a blender, 400g of noodles, a small amount of water, 10g of salt, and a pet dog (specifically, a poodle – extra specifically, a poodle with hair – if it has male pattern balding you’ll have to pass on this one). As poodles shed their hair you can skip on the expense of clippers, simply gather the hair up (hair of the dog that bit you!), stuff it in the blender, and whisk the SOB up a notch.

It’s a detox drink, of course, so the concoction looks a bit like bile and, frankly, doesn’t taste a great deal better. There’s a certain unpleasant, choking punch to it which will make you feel dizzy – do your best not to barf because that lot’s doing you the world of good! Indeed, some of the unknown (but expected) health benefits of this smoothie include:

• Shiny kneecaps – Get your knees looking top notch in time for the spring weather; bag your ideal man/woman with those lovely things
• Perfectly aligned teeth – You’ll clench your jaw so tight in disgust upon downing this beverage your teeth will, forcibly, be jammed into an aesthetically pleasing row – this is sheer unbridled agony, but worth it in the long run
• Earlobe reduction – Hate the size of your earlobes? This smoothie will reduce them by 0.3mm with each sip! Don’t overdo it, though, or your ears will retract fully into your skull, rendering you only able to hear your own thoughts
• Telepathic enhancements – Comprehend the world in a new way by reading other people’s thoughts and communicating with poodles to gain learned insights on noodle and poodle hair smoothies

Other Health Benefits

This is a mere few of the benefits, however, as this smoothie will also help you to lose a considerable amount of weight. This is primarily due to being unable to keep it down in your gut, so you’ll spend most of your time hungry, and the rest of the time shredding calories as you gurn like crazy in an attempt to keep the contents in your gut.

Ultimately, this is a recipe which will put smoothies back on the map now that juicing has become such a big craze. We’re pretty sure juicing has zero health benefits (indeed, more like benegits!), so turn to noodles and poodles smoothies for your return to looking like Adonis from the planet Adonis!