Here at Professional Moron, we try to balance out the moronic stuff with cultural asides at the weekend. In our video games section, we often wax lyrical about Steam, presuming you imbeciles who read these posts know what we’re on about.

The truth is, Steam is a modern marvel of video games which anyone with a computer can enjoy, so this is our guide to how to let off steam and make Steam work for you!

Steam: Your Free Guide!

What the Hell is it? Well, fool, it’s free online games software from legendary games developer Valve Corporation—it’s a digital distribution platform. Think of it as the Netflix of video games.

All you’ll need is a functioning PC, laptop, Mac, or Linux and you’ll be ready to roll. From the Steam site, you simply download the software, register an account, and that’s all there is to it.

ZOMG! Is It Popular?

It’s been in operation since 2003 but, with the internet really taking off in recent years, has enjoyed massive interest and there are now over 125 million registered users. Wowza!

Why is it so popular? From the Steam dashboard, you can quickly and efficiently download popular PC games, new releases, indie titles, and more.

OMG! How Do I Use It?!

So long as you have a decent PC or laptop, you should have no problem running most games (be wary new, big blockbuster releases often require high-performance PCs to run, games like GTA V, for instance) and there are thousands to choose from.

Once Steam is downloaded to your computer, you simply double click to open the SOB up and then browse the games.

What Sort Of Games Be There?

There are the big blockbuster titles, of course, classics, and a huge variety of genres, but the real beauty of Steam remains with the vibrant indie game scene.

Created by small, independent developers, these are the titles which are wonderful, unique, cheap, short, and brilliant.

Now, cheap and short is good if, like us, you’re busy most of the time working – for £10 ($15) you can pick up some serious gems!

How Do I Buy?

If you spot a game you like, you simply pay through Steam’s checkout service and then the title installs itself onto your computer. Within a short space of time you’ll be ready to go. Huzzah!

Steam Controller

You’ll be able to play a lot of the games with your keyboard and mouse, but if you really get into it all, the Steam controller has been designed by Valve and works on most games in the extensive archive.

It’s a unique controller but also functions as your standard games pad if you simply want to get into games and kill zombies etc.

We can highly recommend one, although PlayStation and Xbox pads will also work with many Steam games.

5 Steam Gems!

Have we brainwashed you into getting an account? Good! Wondering which games to buy first? Thanks to our geekdom abilities, we can direct you straight to the essential gems.

You can check out our list of the best modern 2D platformers for more examples, but below are the five we recommend above everything else.

1. Half-Life 2

Effortlessly one of the best games of all time, Half-Life 2 stunned the gaming world in 2004.

A science-fiction, first person shooter epic, this innovative, berserk, glorious game is an unbelievably intense, frightening, and life changing experience.

It’s essentially Orwell’s Nineteen-Eighty Four meets The Walking Dead, so what’s not to love?

Considered the best FPS pretty much ever, it also has several DLC packages, but Valve hasn’t announced Half-Life 3 yet (although it did release Half-Life: Alyx in 2020), much to the continued consternation of the gaming community.

Whatever—it’s currently £7 ($10) on Steam for one of the best things ever. Do yourself a favour and get this SOB immediately.

2. Ori and the Blind Forest

Just bloody incredible—one of the best games we’ve ever played. This Metroidvania platformer is a powerful and engaging experience which is also incredibly challenging.

It’s tough (we mean it) but this adds to the experience as when you wrap Ori and the Blind Forest up, you feel as if you have really accomplished something special.

3. INSIDE

Stick your earphones in and immerse yourself in this terrifying experience.

INSIDE was Game of the Year in 2016 for many people (ourselves included). It’s a short game, but surreal, disturbing, and the ending few minutes are grotesquely brilliant.

4. Stardew Valley

This glorious ode to Harvest Moon in the SNES era will swallow up your whole life if you want it to.

Simply put, you take control of a farm and work your way up from a dilapidated setting into a fully functioning little unit.

Rake in the cash, feed your animals, try and get married, or take to the mines to bolster your abilities—Stardew Valley is a treat.

5. Final Fantasy VII

One of the greatest RPGs on this planet, Final Fantasy VII may now have “bad” graphics (a remake is on the way for the PS4), but as a piece of emotive storytelling, this is really something special.

FFVII is an emotional and compelling experience first released on the PlayStation 20 years ago, but it stands as something of a masterpiece.