It’s fair to say watching the Professional Moron staff have its weekly Friday evening dance-off is one of the most disturbing sights any human being can behold. Even the sight of our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, making some shapes is enough to leave hardened, adult men weeping in horror. Yes, humility must take hold – we’re not ones for dancing.
Mind you, we don’t think humans are particularly graceful creatures. Our species excels by using brainpower; for us, even the sight of “professional” dancers lunging about behind Britney Spears, or whatever, is pretty hilarious. We do, however, understand the need for dance. This is why we’ve invented ConfiDance, a dancing robot who’ll teach you the basics and have you looking like a professional moron in no time.
Dance with ConfiDance
Over the last 12 months, ConfiDance has been our secret project not even Steve our office pet hamster has been told about. It’s a super secretive mission to make the world groove and the one invention we expect will make us billionaires before you can say: “Why is ConfiDance wielding an axe and bellowing?! ARGHHH!!!!! OMG! THE AGONY!” – lol, we jest, world class workmanship has gone into this robot. It’s not our usual shoddy, half-arsed invention we make up as get-quick-rich schemes (usually at the expense of consumers’ lives).
ConfiDance possesses the IQ of a particularly unintelligent child so you will be able to converse with it. As of yet, we haven’t finalised the design, but there will be a female and male equivalent for consumers – the male will look like a young Marlon Brando, whilst the female one will resemble a young Bruce Willis with a wig on.
It has been programmed in all of the world’s favourite dance techniques, such as tango, and is also programmed to lead by force where necessary. Thusly, there won’t be any dallying or acts of humility – you either get in there and waltz with the robot or it will (forcibly) threaten to gun you down unless you put in the mandatory three hours a day of training.
Naturally, this is only a guise – ConfiDance doesn’t have a gun and isn’t able to fire a weapon. It is, however, pre-loaded with petty insults (fuddy-duddy, poohead, smelly etc.) which will marginally upset you; it also has the strength of an ox combined with a walrus, so it can physically pick you up and hurl you across the room if it gets annoyed. Better get practicing!
The Cost of Dancing
Dancing is usually free (unless you’ve paid to go into a club, or something), but if you want to perfect your moves you’ll need to pay us £1,000 ($1,500) for ConfiDance. For your money, you’ll receive the ConfiDance Z1 model of the robot, a leaflet about its skills and quirks, and a flamethrower (so you can flame the robot down in the unlikely event it goes on a berserk rampage).
By our calculations, after three months you should be so skilled at dancing you’ll be able to replace Michael Flatley in Riverdance – we guess he’ll have to rename himself Michael Flatline! Or maybe Michael Unemployed! You may break a few bones and suffer PTSD in the process, but ConfiDance has been designed to deliver the confidence you need to dance – all at budget value!