Planet of the Apes has another edition in the series shortly. The 2001 Tim Burton reboot was the nadir for the series, but the latest batch of damned dirty apes has been pretty awesome. Impressively so, in fact, reminding everyone Hollywood can be so awesome when it does it right. It didn’t do it no more right, no never, than with the original film starring Charlton Heston as George Taylor – the shouty, gun wielding actor of lore.

Planet of the Apes (1968) is still bloody awesome – it’s one of the best films ever! It’s one of those genuinely creepy and scary films you can only find from the ’60s and ’70s, with a general sense of foreboding and hairy apes. Heston is left to have a go at some of the hairy apes, too… but what if he’d decided to say something else?

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

Here’s the famous original. Can you imagine if it had been someone English involved instead, such as Mr. Wapojif? It would have been: “Erm… excuse me. I say! This is most rotten behaviour. By Jove! Excuse me! This is not on, sir!” etc.

Take your stinking flaws off me, you damned dirty ape!

The apes certainly had their flaws, so maybe it would have been a tad more PC to use this instead of paws. Plus, you know, apes don’t have paws – they have hands. We think. Probably. So, yeah, this would have been a tad more on the nose their, Heston.

Take your stinking Jaws off me, you damned dirty ape!

This could have been a cunning nod to 1975 classic Jaws, which would have been released 7 years later in 1975. Hey, in the film they travel way into the future so, you know, this should have been common knowledge.

Take your drinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

Surely the apes must have been boozers? We bet they all stank of gin, so it’s understandable why Heston would want some fresh air.

Take your unthinking paws off me, your damned dirty ape!

They were all a bit rude in the film, non? A touch unthinking, even. So, yes, this would have been an apt assessment.

Take your stinking bourgeoisie off me, you damned dirty ape!

Well, this would have been a touch over the top and arrogant as how would Heston know about the social hierarchal structure after such a short type? We guess it depends on how aggressive the George Taylor character was with his social-political commentary.

Take your stinking buzz saw off me, you damned dirty ape!

Damn straight! You’ll cut George Taylor up badly if you try and restrain him with a bloody chainsaw, dude. Stupid bloody apes.

Take your stinking in-laws off me, you damned dirty ape!

That’s fair enough, no one wants some doddering old weirdo groping them, particularly not a hairy ape one.

Take your stinking seesaw off me, you damned dirty ape!

Really, we must state right here – placing your seesaw on someone is dangerous behaviour and should not be attempted at home.

Take your stinking chihuahua off me, you damned dirty ape!

You have to love those yappy dogs and what they get up to, although Roger Taylor isn’t much of a fan here. We guess he’s a cat man.

Take your stinking upper jaw off me, you damned dirty ape!

Was this getting a bit erotically charged or something? We guess even the apes couldn’t resist Charlton Heston’s leading man looks. This would have been a different film entirely if he’d gone on to fit into their society, have babies, and work as a cement mixer, or something.

Take your stinking algebra off me, you damned dirty ape!

Too right! There’s no time for bloody algebra any day of the week.

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty landscape!

He’d had a few knocks to the head, so maybe this is what Taylor would have reeled off in his concussed confusion. Nice try, at least, dude.

Take your stinky winky poopy paws off me, you stoopid woopid monkey!

Heston was entitled to have an immature temper tantrum about things. He decided to be manly about it instead, but this would have been a fun response all the same.

And finally…

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty adhesive tape!

Okay, there’s really no need to be quite so anti-adhesive tape. It comes in very useful at times, George. Don’t forget that.