The beach ball is ubiquitous with two things: balls and beaches. Without a beach there is no beach ball, and without no ball there is no beach – it’s a harmonious relationship which has lived precariously for many millions of years. Indeed, it is said even Genghis Khan would storm a beach with a severed head (an early form of beach ball) for a bit of romping by the coast with his several thousand children. How sweet!

We’re bloody unhappy with the mess families leave behind on beautiful beaches, though! What do they think they are playing at? Are they on drugs? Are they simply ignoramuses? Are they drunk? Or are they just fatigued imbeciles? Probably all of that lot, but this got us thinking – surely there should be a product which offers the chance to clean the beach efficiently after you’ve visited? Enter the bleach ball!

Bleach Ball

Chemical grade bleach figures heavily with many of our inventions – it’s a cheap and efficient way to eradicate germ matter from the vicinity, all with that harsh chemical stench we all know and love. The bleach ball is no different – this is your standard beach ball, just filled with the harshest chemicals available without getting us sent to jail.

Simply order your bleach ball and yours will be handmade at the Professional Moron office. Pumped full of bleach on our premises in a carefully controlled environment (our bathroom, which was described as “acceptable” by a recent visitor), the bleach ball will then be forwarded to you within three working days.

Your product functions as any beach ball typically does, except this one won’t go hurtling off down the beach once the wind picks up. Why? As this one is weighed down with bleach! It gets more clever, though. Yes! More clever! When it comes to leaving the beach, you can pull the plug from the bleach ball and disinfect the area by tipping the bleach everywhere! You can then either order a new bleach ball from us (£50/$70 a ball), or buy some bleach and perform a top up. Life’s a bleach with the bleach ball!

Preach the Bleach!

As it turns out, some people don’t want to follow our company tagline: Preach the Bleach. Apparently, the use of bleach in a family friendly product is “dangerous”. To assuage public concern, we test ran several bleach balls in the Professional Moron office – our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapjif, and the rest of the staff had an impromptu kick-around in the office. Here is what we found:

• The bleach ball will only explode (showering bleach everywhere) if you kick it with moderate violence
• If covered in the bleach, seek immediate medical attention (or just take a cold shower)
• The stinging sensation will stop within 72 hours
• Tapping the bleach ball doesn’t cause any considerable or immediate danger
• Do not drop heavy items (such as anvils) onto the bleach ball
• Try to limit physical participation with the bleach ball as much as possible – consider it an emotionally unstable family member who sits in the corner grunting. So long as it sits there and doesn’t interfere with your activities, it’s an acceptable accompaniment

The bleach ball, therefore, is a rousing success and will be marketed internationally whether concerned watchdog groups and consumer rights organisations give a damn or not. Yes, this can be a dangerous product, but in the right hands you’ll be able to enjoy dizzy days on sunny beaches at a moments notice (and that’s not just because of the bleach fumes causing you to hallucinate).