Without celebrities, the world would be a disgusting and joyless place. Indeed, it’d be like buying a box of donuts only to find the donuts are full of maggots and marmite, which is, like, the worst flavour of donut ever. Thusly, we’ve been thinking about how to improve celebrities and have come up with a batch of brilliant surname alterations – the individuals below may, or may not, wish to take up their respective suggestion. Here we go!

Angelina Jolly

The woman with the lips and eyebrows analogous to Jack Nicholson (sort of) has decided to alter that surname and become like a jolly fat man. Ho ho ho! She’ll be delivering your Christmas presents this yuletide.

Brad Armpit

Hot stuff actor Brad Pitt is all about that face, but after 50+ years of putting up with being ridiculously good looking, do you think he’s fed up of it yet? He needs an image change, and he’s decided to make armpits the new hot thing!

Johnny Debt

Johnny Depp is rich but he does have a sense of humour, hence the ironic change of his surname. LOL! As if he’d ever be in debt!

Jennifer Aniseed

Once married to Brad Armpit, Jennifer Aniseed changed her name after enjoying an evening with pernod (pronounced: per-nod). Tremendous.

Chris Brat

Bored of being a prat, this Hollywood Hunk is now just a brat. Rumour has it he’ll change his surname to T*** several years down the road.

Charlize Throne

Actress, woman, and person, Charlize Throne likes to sit on a throne and pontificate. Useful surname, then.

Sigourney Knitter

Famed for her role in the Aliens romanatic comedy series, Sigourney Weaver stuck true to her roots and took up knitting. Good for her.

Harrison Forcefield

A force of nature, this grumpy actor has a forcefield protecting him 24/7 to ensure he will live for all eternity. We love you, Harrison!

Justin Buboes

Hairy dimwit singer, Justin Bieber changed his surname by deed poll after an open fan vote suggesting a new one. The “fans” chose Buboes – this is now fact.

Leonardo DiCapRioDeJaneiro

Brasil is a fabulous place and Leonardo, Oscar winner and man bloke, wishes to pay homage to one of its cities. Fantabulous.

Jason Stay-at-home-mum

Tough guy, and hottest bald bloke ever, Jason Statham is now known as Stay-at-home-mum as he ditched his kickass ways in favour of baking puddings. Dawwww.

Ryan Gosbling

Ryan Gosling ditches his existential angst act in favour of going gangsta. Good! Ryan Gosbling is badass and he’s here to kick yo’ ass, yo! Aiiiiie.

Harry Piles

Harry Styles is hiding a secret from his legions of moronic screaming fans – he has piles. A mandatory legal notice to change his surname higlighting this will do his career no favours. Dunkirk? Dumpkirk more like!

Cillian Smurphy

Irish looker Cillian Murphy is rather fond of the Smurfs (possibly), so we bet this surname would suit him a treat.

Michael Fastblender

This would be a perfect name change for a man looking to move into creating really fast food blenders. Who needs a successful Hollywood career when you’ve got carrots?

Tom Softy

Poor old Tom Hardy always has to live up to his good looks and macho exterior. With a well-timed surname change, his acting roles would soon benefit from romantic comedies about dogs with floppy ears.

Benedict

Benedict Cumberbatch was bored by his confusing surname, so has chosen merely a forename to act as his representative on this planet.

Chloe Grace More Pets

Upcoming Hollywood starlet who likes to Kickass – she also wants more pets. Cool!

Sarah Jessica Car Parker

Since Sex and the City called it a day on grounds of public decency, Sarah Jessica Parker went on to become a really skilled Formula One driver. She’s since retired from that, though, and now parks cars for a laugh.

And finally…

Nic Cave & Nick Cage

Doppelgangers Nic Cage and Nick Cave swap identities for the heck of it – why not? Now the Nic(k) hybrid is out to confuse society with a high concept film pitch which is sure to earn already mega-rich duo Cave and Cage a few more bucks.