Men are from Manchester and women are from Warrington, or so goes the saying. It’s not quite as simple as that, of course; such reasoning is tediously reductionistic! Indeed, the dating game is a torrid scene of misguided conceptions, narcissism, stupidity, inflated egos, and severe dysmorphia. Men in the dating scene (i.e. “on the pull”) are, essentially, a male walrus – loud, obnoxious, usually unwanted, but every now and then acceptable enough to warrant a second date at McDonald’s.

Men outnumber women 10 to 1 on planet Earth, so many males have to resort to dubious tactics to bag a babe. Many men fail miserably and are left to resort, in increasing desperation, to sending the fabled unsolicited “trouser snake” picture to unsuspecting victims. This is not on. This is why we’ve penned, as staggering experts, this glorious guide to asking out a human female.

How to Ask a Woman Out

Although we’ve covered chat up lines recently on Professional Moron, we didn’t take into consideration numerous issues with regards to their application. Namely, if you’re one ugly SOB then even the finest chat up line in history isn’t going to land you a date with Amy Adams, Sigourney Weaver, or UK Prime Minister Theresa May. Indeed, if you’re 35 stone and slobber when you talk, they’ll smile politely and then run, run as far away as possible. Here are a few issues you can easily overcome.

NERVES

If you’re in better shape, then the man bloke’s biggest enemy when it comes to asking a lady out for a spot of dinner and polite chit chat is this: nerves. Most men, unless they’re raging narcissists, will struggle with this one. “She’ll laugh at me and then rip my arms off and feed them to her pet pug” is one common anxiety – you need not fear.

This is easy to overcome: before approaching the woman of your dreams, simply drink half a litre of vodka. If spirits aren’t your thing, then a dozen cans of beer will fill you with Dutch courage and ensure your beer stinking breath will improve her day no end. Our suggestion? Be a charming old dog: “Hey there, babe, I’ll *HICK* buy you a *BEeeeLCH!* pint of absinthe and you and me… you and me can go home and I’ll dance like a giraffe for you.” Works every time.

Voices In Your Head

Whether it’s squawking birds, Beethoven telling you to buy a loaf of bread to feed to old age pensioners, or God informing you to buy a rubber ducky for your next bath, we all get those bloody voices cackling away. Instead of fearing them, however, use them to your advantage – speak to them and gain some advice from these transmundane experiences.

For example, we were able to tame those squawking birds, teach them a few elementary words, and they soon became a sycophantic confidence boost who constantly bleated about how amazingly attractive and brilliant we are. The downside? Well, when you’re trying to get to sleep and it’s 3am and those birds are going “God, you’re so hot!” over and over and over… well, is this the price you’re willing to pay for a date with Amy Adams? Hell yes!

inadequate appearance

If you look like a builder’s hairy butt, never fear! There are plenty of ways to make you physically attractive. Asides from plastic surgery (which is expensive), you can hit the gym, pump iron, and ensure you have muscles so rippling, plentiful, and taut, you’ll struggle to sit down. Women dig that sort of stuff.

Wealth

Even if you’re as a poor as a donkey that lives in a field, it’s easy to feign extreme wealth. Steal a fancy car, bling up on fake jewelry, and hang around in bars having fake conversations on your mobile phone like this: “Yeah, sell it! Sell it now, dammit! Sell it and earn me another sweet £500k! I need to buy me another house, anyway, the view of the Eiffel Tower is partially blocked by my range of helicopters. Sell it, bitch!”.

Conclusion

Clearly, the more vapid and pernicious your behaviour, the higher the chance you’ll bag someone to cook you a roast dinner first thing in the morning. Men – it’s a persona you must put on. A facade. The falsities you put on display may be hard work (sadly, talking to people involves effort), but when you land a marriage with someone like Jessica Chastain it will have been all worthwhile.

After the ceremony, incidentally, you can then let it all hang out. Your real personality can flourish – leave the lavatory seat up, gain a load of weight, scratch yourself openly, and leer at other women in the street. To be a modern man is to be a slave to the system, but you can be your own master by embracing the cathartic release of letting it all go once the initial bit is over.