Come Dine With Me is a strangely compelling British TV series about five normal folks competing over the course of a week to put on the best dinner party. As you can imagine, quite an array of spectacular freaks of nature turn up on this thing and the results aren’t always amazing. In fact, most guests end up despising each other and there are usually several brilliant standoffs along the way – to add to it all, the show’s sardonic narrator mocks them all mercilessly, so it’s all rather marvellous.

Come Dine With Flea is a spinoff show we have in mind, which is, sort of, the same premise but the star of the show is Flea, the bassist from popular funk band the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Those guys have been doing their thing for long enough now and, frankly, we’re bored of them being musicians – variety is the spice of life, chaps, so live up to your band’s name and get Flea to sign up to this show. It’d be belting!

Come Dine With Flea

Each week, five lucky contestants would travel round to Flea’s mansion whereupon they would be expected to cook for the bassist. At the end of the week, Flea would collate his assessments and the contestant with the best dinner party skills would be awarded a free copy of the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s 2002 album By The Way. The losers would be expected to clean Flea’s dirty underwear.

That’s it, on paper, it’s simply down to the brilliance of each guest – what should, and would, you cook for Flea? Well, that’s the problem as he’s kind of an enigmatic sort of guy who we couldn’t be bothered researching properly… we’re not really big fans of the band, you know? We Googled “What is Flea’s favourite food?” and all we got were articles about the Black Death and other such horror. Man, you’d have to be a really rubbish cook to serve up bubonic plague. Immediate loser, we’d say.

Anyway, we’d like to think some of the famous episodes would have included that mandatory morbidly obese guy who turns up with a load of McDonald’s thinking that’s perfectly acceptable. Or how about the single mum who thinks she’ll be able to marry Flea for his money and so turns up in a mini-skirt and botox lips which leave her slurring her words. Or then there’s the one when Gordon Ramsay makes a celebrity appearance and no one survives the episode. TV gold, sir or madam. TV gold.

Come Dine With Fleas

Then, of course, there’s our other spinoff – Come Dine With Fleas. This is for the kids and is, essentially, a flea circus and revolves around fleas cooking dinners of some arbitrary victim’s blood. Creepy? Crêpe-y, more like! Ever seen a flea cook a crêpe? They’re surprisingly versatile beasts.

So it’d be a smash hit with kids which would lead to plenty of shameful money making exercises, such as growing flea farms and selling them in hordes of thousands to dimwitted kids for 50p a time. Look, if you’re going to fleece someone then you should do it with fleas – it’s common sense.