Dental hygiene is essential in this day and age. Without nice looking gnashers, you’ll be spurned in life as you’ll look like a complete psychopath. Similarly, if you can’t strum a guitar and sing a few notes (and this particularly applies to that breed of male who likes to turn up at house parties and show off) you’ll be doomed to singledom forever.

Thusly, we’ve invented the brilliant floss guitar which combines dental gloss and the guitar to ensure you’ll be able to reel off a winning, toothy smile whilst crooning a version of Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. The babes? Jesus, dude, they’ll be queuing up to get at you, we can assure you of that! Why do you think Jimi Hendrix used his teeth to play? Showmanship? No, he was flossing!

The Floss Guitar

It’s a simple premise and one which Hendrix inspired us to make readily available – the strings of the guitar are, simply put, made out of dental floss (mint flavour). Could it get anymore ingenious than that? Dental floss, as we all know, is sturdy stuff and it is integrated at the Professional Moron office with guitar strings – it’s a 70/30 dental floss to guitar string split in order to ensure the guitar has a pleasant acoustic vibe.

Consequently, you may play the guitar with considerable gusto and, if you feel inclined, take a momentary break to floss your teeth. That’s all there is to it. It’s simple, it’s brilliant, and it’ll only set you back £250 ($300) for the privilege – what price are you willing to pay for amazing teeth? Exactly, plus if you can sing Teeth by Lada Gaga simultaneously it’ll make the world a better place (if you like that type of music, which we don’t, but we couldn’t find any better tooth-based songs).

Electric Toothbrush Guitar

With the probable success of the floss guitar, we want to join the 20th century and make sure we’re properly contemporaneous. Thusly, another product will launch alongside the floss guitar – the electric toothbrush guitar. With this product, the entire guitar neck doubles up as the spine of your toothbrush, with the traditional headstock replaced by an enlarged toothbrush head.

As players thrash out power cords as if they’re Pete Townshend at Woodstock ’69, they’ll be able to stop for a moment and brush their teeth with the electric toothbrush guitar, before commencing with one of those annoying squealing guitar solos which metal fans seem to love so much. Hey, at least when you gurn at someone you’ll like your best!

Denture Bass Guitar

Another product in our tooth-based guitar range is for ageing rockers such as the Rolling Stones (Mick Jagger is 74, still touring, and still unable to get any satisfaction), who will be able to take out their dentures and place them in the thoughtful denture holders which are sellotaped on the underside of the denture bass guitar neck. This saves any embarrassing moments such as jumping up and down during Jumpin’ Jack Flash and seeing your dentures fly out into the bemused audience. Whoopsie!

Double-Neck Toothpaste Guitar

Finally, we have the double-neck toothpaste guitar (Jimmy Page made these famous, minus the toothpaste – guitar God he may be, but he missed a trick there), with the second neck on this guitar being a tube of toothpaste. By plucking at the strings, toothpaste will alight from the guitar onto the nearest available toothbrush.

Any bands wishing to buy all of the above products in bulk will receive a 10% discount! Just imagine when you’re all on stage at a gig and you’re able to take 20 minutes breaks to brush your gnashers between whatever crap you’re churning out. It’s service with a smile!