Exclusive Recipe: Beans on Coasters (as in drinks coasters)

Beans on coasters
Dayum. Looks delicious!

Are you fed up of having too many coasters around your home? Have you, over the years, generated a surplus number of superfluous placement mats for your glasses and cups? Do your coasters cause raging arguments in your household? Have you actively punched a family member or friend due to one of these arguments? Do you cry yourself to sleep every night due to the horror of your coaster situation? Are you desperate for a solution?

If you answered yes to all of the above, you have a coaster problem. Never fear – having laboured under this condition ourselves for many years, we’ve now come up with the perfect solution. It’s a happy and hearty recipe which plays on traditional beans on toast by ditching the toast and upping the coast(ers). With a £300 million marketing campaign ready to launch in time for Christmas, you better get used to the sight of this one, our latest business conquest which will transform lives!

Beans on Coasters

To clarify, we’re on about baked beans here. These things are so legendary it’s impossible not to overstate the estimation of their excellence – you read that right. You can make beans of toast if you want, though. Go right ahead, you fuddy duddy. But you’ll be missing out on this glorious new recipe, which unclutters your life and ensures you also enjoy a hearty meal.

Coasters, of course, as we all know, are made out of cardboard, cork, or bits of wood not usually associated with tasty food tastes. Never fear, we’ve thought of that! It’s the beans – once they’re slathered over your coaster with some butter, you’ll be fine and dandy to consume with relish. Why, you won’t even notice you’re eating a coaster unless a chunk of it clogs up your windpipe and somebody has to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on you.

Now, you can either just use the ones you have around your property or you can buy the readymade, canned Beans on Coasters tin which costs but a mere 10p (about $0.50) thanks to the extremely low quality produce within the foodstuff. It won’t give you gut-rot, but it will leave you shifting uncomfortably in your seat at work whilst your bodily functions attempt to process all that gunk.

Glass Marking Solutions

Naturally, with no coasters in your home, all of your favourites tables and side-tables will rapidly become stained by class and cup rim marks. Those rim marks will create plenty of remarks in their own right, so you may either want to tell any nosy visitors to shut their stupid face, or otherwise invest in Professional Moron’s patented wool tables which will soak that moisture right up!

The downside is, over time, they’ll become quite hideously mouldy but, hey, at only £500 ($600) a table you can simply buy a new one to ensure you’re not poisoned by the mould. Simple solutions to life are what we provide, so you can sit and tuck in to your beans on coasters whilst sitting at your wool table and relish in the ease in which Professional Moron facilitates your existence. Gosh, aren’t we great?


  1. Yes, yes ‘s all very great! I just want to know for certain … am I correct in thinking that my wool tables come with relish for the coasters?


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