There comes a time in anyone’s life when you stop and say: “Gosh, I need to quench my thirst or I could die of dehydration.” Why? Well, as human beings we have to carefully manage what enters and exits our bodies. If, for instance, you drank a litre of petrol (by accident, for example, as you might have mistaken it for orange juice) you’d need to get the petrol back out of the your body rather rapidly for safety purposes. Conversely, drink a litre of water and you’ll be A okay. Life sure is strange, huh?

Mashed potatoes is one of those foodstuffs which makes you feel all hearty inside, but isn’t typically thought of as a thirst quencher. Indeed, anyone lost in the Gobi Desert for a week wouldn’t stumble back into civilization and immediately demand mashed potatoes. No, they’d expect a bottle or two of water. Maybe later they would chow down on some mashed potatoes or, if they’re on the ball, our patented mashed potato milkshake!

Mashed Potato Milkshake

Making milkshake is easy, even an idiot could do it. You just need milk, sugar, flavouring extract (such as vanilla, strawberry, or marmite), ice cream (we can recommend banana, chocolate, or marmite flavour), and mashed potato. Cook the potatoes for three hours (or less) in boiling water and then mash the SOBs up – add in your other ingredients and mash the SOB again.

Congratulations! You’ve made mashed potato milkshake! It’s a great hit at parties, we’ve found, in that it kicks up fun, edgy, and quirky conversation which will make your friends realise you’re an undiscovered genius. Occasionally, you also get the odd concerned look and a question such as, “Marmite flavoured mashed potato milkshake?! Mr. Wapojif… have you stopped taking your diazepam again?” to which you shrug them off with an insane cackle.

Now, milkshake is usually pretty thick anyway, which everyone loves. This mashed potato variety is extra thick, though! Seriously, some of our dinner guests had trouble so much as slurping any of it up. One woman even began choking fitfully, so Mr. Wapojif rushed to her aid with the Heimlich manoeuvre. Once she recovered, he plied her with more mashed potato milkshake until she said, “Enough of this crap already! I’m going home.” Success!

Slurping Rules

Now that it’s clear this product, which will available from November ’17, will be a colossal success, we must address milkshake slurping etiquette. As sufferers of misophonia, where noises such as some dumbass chewing gum loudly etc. are highly irritating, we’d like to state slurping qualifies as rude behaviour which should be met with 10 public floggings from a whip per slurp.

This may seem draconian, but the only way to curb marginally offensive behaviour in society is through tyrannical enforcement. We’ve not been able to process what we’ve dubbed the International Anti-Slurping Act 2017 yet as, in England, we’re too busy with Brexit and all that nonsense. Thusly, we’ve, for now, merely enforced it on the Professional Moron premises. As a consequence, if you come over here and drinking some of our delicious, patented mashed potato milkshake then you’d better not go a slurping, otherwise agony awaits. You’ve been warned.