Last year we ran two posts, which we’re going to promote again now: In Praise of Brown Bread and In Contempt of White Bread.

We think this summarises things rather succinctly. However, last week, on our Agony Aunt column, we had a raging debate about white and brown bread.

Some of the heathens who read this site… actively prefer white bread. Words… they fail us, so only ellipsis will help!

As is the typical way of things these days, the only solution to the burning question “Which is better?” is to perform an objective appraisal of both loaves.

Who better to be the impartial judge than Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, who is renowned for his learned ability to calmly, and rationally, make assessments of stuff (including foodstuffs). Here we go!

Brown Bread vs White Bread

There comes a time in one’s life when one must take the righteous road, or the dark road.

We’re on about bread here – do you wander through life chewing on a disgusting slice of white bread?

Or do you expand your intellectual horizons with rustic brown bread featuring seeds and a crust thicker than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Welsh accent? We’ll be back… for brown bread.

Brown Bread Benefits

Delicious in taste, spectacular to look at, and reasonably healthy for you, brown bread is a gift from bread maker and was, it’s rumoured, created by angels in need of a delicious sandwich encasing. Here are five fantastic facts about brown bread:

1. Good for you: Eat brown bread, don’t die of hunger.
2. Earthly: Made out of mud, nutrients, and the effluence of long lost souls which shall imbue your soul with strength, character, and minty fresh breathe (sorry, breath).
3. Brown: Much better to stare at and, also, hides unsightly mould more efficiently. This is particularly useful if you own a restaurant, so clueless customers will chow down without realising anything is afoot.
4. Seeds: White bread cannot be mixed with seeds as this will lead to a nuclear explosion. Brown bread, however, is perfectly suited to seeds and looks great with loads of pumpkin seeds perched on its roof.
5. Cool factor: Brown bread has been endorsed by such luminaries as Professional Moron, making it the bread of choice for anyone who is dead cool.

White Bread Benefits (none!)

Pallid in colour, probably racist, and prone to tasting bland and uninteresting.

The saying “the best thing since sliced bread” is matched only by the saying “The worst thing since white bead” – this may seem like hyperbole, but feelings do run strongly on the bread matter. Here are five facts about white bread:

1. Bad for you: Eat white bread, die of irritable bowel syndrome.
2. Salt: White bread requires 1,000g extra salt in order to keep its act together, which means when it hits the supermarket shelves it’s a loaded nightmare of salt-induced chaos.
3. Belly noises: The texture of white bread is enough to make any grown adult weep. This texture is caused by the inferiority of the white bread yeast, which is known to clog peoples’ guts and lead to embarrassing noises from one’s belly.
4. Stupidity factor: It’s undeniable that you’ll look stupid as you sit there eating white bread sandwiches, you uncultured philistine you. Buck your game up!
5. White bread makes people cry: When you look at most people eating white bread, it’s clearly they’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Fighting back the tears, they munch on and on with their substandard eating experience.

For brown bread eaters, this is all frustrating to behold.

That’s why today’s post shall redress the balance and let you white bread eaters get your life back on track. We wish you the best of luck!