Bored of the English language and its limitations, we’ve decided to invent a batch of new words to spice up our and, we suppose, your existences. Below are 10 new gems which you can slip into everyday conversation – feel free to provide vivid demonstrations of their meaning to anyone acknowledging your efforts with concerned, or terrified, glances.

10 Brilliant New Words!

Here they are, but we had to confirm (the latter is one such word we’ve spruced up!) you’re still on the right post with this mindless paragraph of preamble. Rest assured, the rest of this post picks up very shortly.

Vonfirmed

A way of confirming things through vomiting. Comes in useful at humdrum offices needing a new lease of life – vonfirm profit margins are on the up with insightful spreadsheets and loads of puke.

SCONEFIRMED

Like above, but you confirm everything by supplying scones. This is a particularly popular word amongst scone fans.

Hippopotomatoes

A new species of hippopotamus created only from tomatoes. Is not a sentient being, but is capable of looking red and accompanying numerous pasta dishes.

Slappers

Look like comfy slippers, and technically are comfy slippers, but also can be used to slap people with. Please note: only slap someone if they’re being really irritating.

Fewture

Like the future, but there’s less (or fewer) of it. “How does that work?” you may ask – the future is restricted for certain people, such as working class scumbags, whose rights will be restricted so that better off people have more future available. In other words, proles will be banned from gambling in order to free up more future time. It makes sense when you think about ut.

Backcess

When you get access to someone’s back – this is, mainly, a term which should be used by people who give massages for a living (i.e a masseuse).

Mass Moose

A contingent of masseuses who provide massages for stressed-out mooses. Mass mooses are a step above normal masseuses and are paid slightly more than minimum wage, although if any mooses complain after a massage a mass moose is fired instantaneously, has their name besmirched in the massaging industry, and will have to go and work as a shelf stacker.

Brosure

A brosure is an employee who ensures bros are sure about everything in life. Brosures can accomplish this by visiting bros as they loiter on the street firing their gun into the air, sending them encouraging messages on social media, or handing out brochures about how bros can be sure of themselves. Brosures are part of the growing meninism movement which aims to stop the denigration of men such as gangsta rappers, many of whom keep getting shot.

Vispit

A vispit is like a visit but involves a pit – vispitors to any venue with a vispit are required to climb into the pit and behave themselves on pain of death by bazooka.

Bazookerb

A kerb made out of disused (or partially functioning) bazookas. This is a great way to get rid of any excess bazookas and help build safe new roads for folks to travel on.