Chicks dig Barbie dolls, so this Christmas time I’ve really ramped up the focus on Barbie doll production to slake the Barbie doll fervour sweeping the land.
These dolls aren’t just for little girls, as tedious tradition would dictate, but for grown women, too – what intelligent woman wouldn’t enjoy staring at a piece of plastic featuring enforced gender stereotypes and cooing like a mindless idiot?
Santa’s Great Barbie Doll Push
This year, as a consequence of the above, I’ve aimed at manufacturing two billion Barbie dolls (to be on the safe side) in order to match the demand I perceive to be in the air.
My elves may have called me delusional and out of touch with what women want (Mel Gibson?), but those cretins don’t know jack shit! I’m Santa! I know this business inside out, not those high-pitched, diminutive freaks of nature!
Mrs. Santa Claus also raised concerns, stating:
“Mr. Santa Claus, grown women do not want Barbie dolls. How do I know? Because I am a woman! I’d much rather receive a bouquet of flowers, a peck on the cheek, or a fine bottle of white wine. Please, dear, rethink this business venture.”
Batshit crazy lady, I can’t take her and her opinions anywhere.
Barbie Doll Production Day
Yesterday evening we began production of the dolls – we started at 6pm and, after 12 solid hours of Barbie production, I’m delighted to report we’ve created 10 million of them!
I’ve cornered off 30 of my best functioning machines to pump the dolls through production, with each unit working at full capacity.
The dolls are in a giant container out back. I’m not afraid to state I promptly clambered on top of them all… and wept.
You do not know true magnificence until you’ve seen a grown man weeping about 10 million freshly produced Barbie dolls. It was the highlight of my life.
New Barbie Doll Ranges
Little girls, and women in general, being intemperate and fickle creatures, aren’t happy with plain old traditional Barbie.
No, they want new ranges which embrace diversity and promote open-minded and progressive stuff. I had my R&D department think up some stuff earlier this year and these are the results. Get your letter to Santa fast to claims yours!
BO Barbie
This doll has a body odour issue and it’s your job to sort it out! BO Barbie suffers insecurity issues as she stinks a bit, so experiment with a wide range of miniature deodorants to get your Barbie doll smelling the way you want it!
Please note: to ensure your doll arrives stinking as expected, your doll will be immersed in a mixture of unidentified dung and skunk extract.
Feminist Barbie
To sooth the rampaging feminists out there, this model announces ideologies such as, “I don’t agree with that gender stereotype”, “Don’t mansplain to me, dude“, “Don’t hold the door open for me, you sexist pig dog!”, and “No mashed potato for me tonight, I’m on boiled eggs!” (the latter made it in after a production error).
Everyone who buys this doll will also receive a free copy of The Second Sex.
Ken 2.0
Ken has been re-imagined as a skinny jean, beard sporting Hipster who croons lines from Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah.
He also makes recommendations about almond milk and how he doesn’t objectify women as such leering doesn’t fit with his neo-absolutist anarcho-Trotskyan theocratic oligarchical Maoist leaning.
Manspread Ken
This Ken model has a rampant manspread on the go at a positively revolting 180 degrees. How does he even do it?
More importantly, why does this heathen believe he has the right to manspread across the entire width of bus seats?!
Get him into a roleplay with Ken 2.0 and Berserk Barbie (see below) to live out a psychotically violent enactment fantasy!
Bitchy Barbie
This gossip-loving lady spews forth all the latest backstabbing news about her besties.
Gems such as, “OMG! Did you know Steph is a total slag?!”, “I’ve seen Sharon since the baby and she’s a total minger”, “Don’t even go there, sister!”, “You go girl!”, and “Don’t hug me or I’ll hit you!” are spouted with manic enthusiasm.
Berserk Barbie
An Arnold Schwarzenegger/Barbie hybrid with speech functions such as: “If it bleeds, I will faint”, “I’ll be back… in a better-looking dress”, “I’ll cook the pasta, baby”, “Marry me if you want to live”, and “Your clothes, give them to me. Now, or I’ll cry” etc.
She also shoots laser beams from her eyes and self-destructs if she feels hassled.
Professional Moron 
Bitch Barbie is the one for me, please reserve two so they can gossip together, one gossip is no fun.
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Will do, biatch!
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Don’t forget.
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Forget what?
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I’ve requested 4 Beserk Barbie’s. Heads up, they are coming for your Bitch Barbie’s clothes. Please have the gowns packed in special gown bags! Thank you!
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I will have them ready, Bitchie Barbie will bitch about it but seems worth the bitchiness. 🙂
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Hahaha! 😀 It’s all about the gowns, really!
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Please read my response and react accordingly. Yours – The Staff of Professional Morag
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Professional Morag, indeed! Who are you? Where’s Mr. Wapojif? What have you done with him? – Sincerely, Resa
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Mr. Wapojif is always in control. Donut fear the donuts,
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I am not afraid! It just seems like we’re going around in circles.
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Yeah, but that’s what Santa does each year. Got a problem with that?!
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Hang on a second, this situation is clearly getting out of control. Can you hand back the Bitchie Barbies and ensure Resa’s Berserk Barbies are also contained within a reasonable distance of each other, then we can move beyond this unfortunate incident. Regards, the Professional Moron Staff of Doom.
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Back off Staff of Doom!
My Barbies know Karate! Also, they’re vegetarians. One is a rigid vegan.
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Look… I’m trying to contain this situation with irrational thought! Just wait for Santa to respond and then all will be well!!! I want Barbie Dolls, too!! I just have to wait!! Patience!
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I will call a special Barbie issue meeting with Resa. I think
We can work something out, or take over the Barbie business via a corporate raid. Hold on to your hat. We are unpredictable. 🙂
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Belting! That’s a word I’ve been using a lot lately.
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Is that some kind of weird great Britain English?
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Yes. It means “great”. Which is, you know, belting!
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It’s all greek to me, or some kind of odd British thing. We are not that chuffed here.
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Yeah, British dialects are confusing, it varies county by county. Watch Peaky Blinders for the Brummie accent – that one is confusing.
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Look… direct all mail to Santa! Professional Moron is not here to alleviate your present-based desires. All we accept are Santa’s hate mail, love letters (Dear Santa, you Santiago to me! P.S. I live in Scotland), and discarded Hipster Beards. Professional Moron is not the glamorous place you think (or thing) it is.
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UH…WHA.??..
You have a hamster, don’t you? Or is that all lies?
You know how important fake glamour is to me! To where should I mail the discarded hipster beards?
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OK… we attempt to aim for the “customer can always write” but this is getting stupid and my patience is wearing a thong. I can’t remember what my point is, but please direct all complaints towards your nearest wall (Pink Floyd will support your cause). Regards, Professional Moron.
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Wow,
Do you guys work this late every night?
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Yes! Actually, no. One of those answers is accurate. I don’t know which one.
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Okay!!!!
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Beserk Barbie is for me! I’ll take 4, please House of Heart’s Bitch Barbie’s should expect a visit from my Beserk Barbie’s immediately after Christmas. Tell them to have their clothes ready to go! I’ll expect many gowns in the inventory!
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You know, it’s times like this I wish I had Santa’s genius for inventions. Look at Professional Moron’s inventions… a pathetic assortment of nonsense!
If you send your letter to Santa, and have behaved yourself this year, you will receive the gifts. If not, you can always buy a Barbie from your local off-licence (if that’s how it works in Canada).
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PM’s pathetic assortment of nonsense could be a TV comedy series!!!!
If I wasn’t good, I get a lump of coal. One of the last reasons for keeping coal mining going.
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If I was a TV show, it would be a show about me staring at stuff and going: “Yeah… that’s passable!” for hours on end. Thanks for the support there. You did suggest, once, decades back, I should be a SNL writer. I agree. But they can’t afford me. $4 a scene, you see.
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That’s what we need! We need something to stare at for hours. Brilliant!
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Exactly. I do my bit for the community, you know.
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Berserk Barbie may possibly be the only doll I’d ever want, haha.
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I’d like to see Ken 2.0 and Berserk Barbie have a conversation about, say, sandwiches or some such. That’d be cool. BB would have, like, banana, crisps, and NUCLEAR SLUDGE on hers. Rave on, lady.
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