Doorbells are pesky things and they require a lot of effort to lift your arm and jab your finger at. It’s quite an obnoxious request, frankly, and we greatly prefer just arriving at someone’s house and hollering at the top of our lungs until the person comes outside to tell us to shut up. It’s worth it to see the very real anger on their faces! Hahaha!

Still, all that hollering means you get the occasional angry punch in the face, so we’ve invented the doorbull as a suitable solution to all of our doorbell related tales of woes. Simply put, the doorbull involves a well-trained bull who will stand in your doorway and allow in, or utterly decapitate, those who approach your doorway. It’s a bulliant idea!

The Doorbull

Bulls are considered insanely dangerous animals who will charge you in an instant should you stray anywhere near them. Whilst this can be a reality, we think most people would also consider them awesome beasts capable of tremendous bouts of compassion, such as watching the film Titanic and shedding a tear when Jack cops it (not that we did… honest).

Anyway, with the doorbull you can pay us £5,000 and we’ll remove your original door (we’ll blow it off its hinges with some semtex, or something) and bring in a thoroughly well-trained adult bull. He will then stand in your doorway and will bellow furiously if anyone approaches. Based on his intrinsic knowledge of good or bad people, he’ll instantaneously charge, or let through, anyone he sees fit.

The most brilliant thing about the doorbull, though, is how it’ll keep thieves away. Although thieves will immediately see your door is off and there’s easy access to your home, they’ll then see a fully grown bull standing there looking moderately bored, disinterested, or psychotically angry. Even if the thief is stupid, or brave, enough to approach the doorbull, they’ll soon likely be fleeing for their lives (unless the bull is taking a toilet break)!

For ordinary people wanting to visit you (such as your family, friends, oligarchs, or Jehovah’s Witnesses), all they have to do is approach the doorbull and, if they’ve not been charged and killed outright, they are cleared to clamber over the beast and into your property. What could be more convenient?! It’s also hilarious watching your grandmother scramble hysterically over an increasingly outraged bull. Better get that filmed and put on YouTube, eh?

Defecation

As a side note, whilst the bull stands in your doorway it will, unfortunately, defecate all over the place. If you’ve got a garden out the back, then this is an ideal opportunity to have the best compost heap in the neighbourhood! The downside? Your home will begin to maintain the stench of a poorly kept farm.

To alleviate the stench, perhaps light scented candles about your property, or simply fumigate your property once a week. The doorbull will appreciate these efforts as it will be allowed to frolic in your back garden during the fumigation process, which will keep it happy, energetic, and ready to brutally gore any hoodlums in your neighbourhood.