Hello, sports fans! Let’s get sporty! Now, to be clear, we’re only doing this post as we feel some need to write something sports related on this blog, as in six years of existence we’ve done a handful of F1 posts… and that’s about it. We do keep mentioned drunken football hooligans, though, but never in a dedicated post. Hmmmm… perhaps it’s time to shake things up!

10 Exciting New Sports Words!

Today is different. Today, we’ve created a batch of exciting new sporting phrases for sports fans to go mental over. Brace yourselves, then, for the world of competitive grunting is never quite going to be the same!

Handballs

Like handball, except it’s when a footballer accidentally grabs another player’s testicles. This is purely accidental in the heat of the game, of course, as analogous antics outside of working hours are left up to the consenting individuals involved.

Home pun

Baseball may be the most boring sport in the history of ever, so to mix it up we’ve invented the home pun. This is the same as a home run, but the player running around the pitch must land as many puns as possible. Judges will then determine the quality of the puns and award the team extra points. Points are deducted for profanity.

Free Bounce

The free throw in basketball is a pretty decent compensation for some on court infringement. We’re also promoting the use of another freebie in the form of a free bounce – this allows a player to bounce the ball once before any other plays attempt to impede the player.

G&OLF

A form of golf where all the participants have to dress up as Gandolf from the Lord of the Rings saga. Anyone who refuses is shot with a spud gun and called a fuddy duddy, which should induce considerable distress.

Teniz

Gangsta rapper version of tennis. Buffed up, medallion sporting participants compete to win neighbourhood turf through the traditional sport of tennis… with a twist. Participants are allowed to bring one firearm into the court and are allowed to fire upon their opponent whenever they get a bit cross. Most games don’t last very long.

Formula None

New version of Formula One where no vehicles are involved. The drivers arrive at circuits across the world and proceed to run around them very quickly over the course of a heated 18 race calendar season across four continents. Running never looked so good!

Kidney Bean Punch

Introducing a new boxing move – boxers are allowed to bring kidneys beans with them into the ring and punch their rivals with them. The beans also double up as a useful snack during stoppages. Which leads to…

Ring Blockage

With the excess of kidney beans everywhere, it’s not long before the boxing ring becomes a severe danger zone. The sight of beefed up boxers slipping about on kidney beans isn’t what paying punters want, so there will be stoppages to unblock the ring through a series of minimum wage paid foreign cleaners.

Goodminton

This sport has been invented as a form of corporal punishment for criminals. They are forced to sit and watch long boring matches of badminton, played only by really good (i.e. nice, in a saccharine sort of way) people (nuns, lavatory attendants, clothes shop assistants, those enforced bouncy clipboard workers you avoid in the street). As the players are so sickeningly polite, this psychological torture becomes abhorrent for the criminals and many suffer brain haemorrhages within the first few hours.

And finally…

Basket Case Ball

Definition: Basket case – A person regarded as being useless. Due to this unfortunate situation, we’ve created basket case ball for the poor unfortunates who are looked down upon in the world. As such, basket case ball exists to allow basket cases to show they are, indeed, not at all useless at basketball. Of course, it’s also an arena where they’re allowed to show just how utterly useless they are at it, too, so everybody wins!