One of the most common pet-peeves amongst every day folks is when another every day folk you know is late. If they’re consistently late, then you may work in a burning inner resentment about this individual and, perhaps, secretly plan to murder them! Maybe a bit extreme of an example, but this does indicate the level of frustration lateness causes.

If you’re late for a date, for instance, you will incur severe “non-copulation” enforcement which could, potentially, never be lifted. Thusly, lateness in itself is a threat to the human species, as it could result in no more babies, which would cause the nappy industry to collapse, followed by those weird baby foodstuff industries, and then (probably, we’re postulating here) baby movies like Look Who’s Talking wouldn’t happen anymore and John Travolta would be out of work. Shit.

Choco-Late

To combat this possible eventuality, we’ve created Choco-Late. This stuff is handy chocolate which you can, in a mere instant, foist upon an individual you’ve forced to sit about waiting for you like a muppet. Rest assured, this stuff is dirt cheap (partially because a lot of it is made out of dirt), tasty (due to the sugar overload), and healthy (please note, this product is not at all healthy).

The idea is, if you suffer from chronic lateness issues (known amongst medical people – doctors etc. – as lateonitus, named so after 300 star Leonidas, who was really late returning home to his wife) you should keep a few bags of these things handy to dump onto people the instant you arrive and see their face light up with one of the following:

• Outrage
• General ire
• Disappointment
• Hatred
• Envy
• Scurvy (this isn’t an emotion, but is commonly available if you don’t consume any vitamin C)

Once you see their expression crease into any of the above, simply withdraw your Choco-Late (we should point out, this is just a load of crumbled up chocolate in a small baggy) and dump it in their general vicinity. They’ll be so delighted by the chocolate, they’ll immediately forget you’re late and think you’re the best thing ever. Hell yeah!

What if I’m never late, though?

Well then just buy normal chocolate, you idiot. Did we really need to point that out? Look – chocolate unites. You could be old, young, weird, not weird, or insane, but chocolate is the one thing humanity (other than the people who don’t like chocolate) love. The non-chocolate fans… well, they can burn in smell (it’s worse than Hell, believe us).

Okay, we think we’ve explained this pretty well. The product will be available from April 2018 (Q1 2018) and cost £30 ($50) a baggy. If the product happens to contain stones, twigs, or severed limbs, this has nothing to do with the Professional Moron office (where we make these gems) being located in a rough neighbourhood. You purchase this product at your own risk etc. Incidentally, wouldn’t it be ironic if we were LATE releasing this product, eh?! There’s a smart marketing tactic we’ve subtle hinted at, but may not enforce.