Sometimes there are do-gooders in the world who seem determined to get themselves killed. Whether it’s people donating clothes to charity, helping old ladies across the street, or donating blood, this type of behaviour has been going on for a long time. Then there are the do-gooder geniuses – the ones who take it way too far. Take today’s man bloke. He wants to lose his kidneys. The bloody fool!

Kidneys

Dear Morons. I have been dating my boyfriend for 32 hours now and he just announced something that has made me question his sanity. He said: "Pat," for that is my name, to reiterate, he said, "Pat, I need to do a good deed otherwise I feel I will have failed at life. So, I'm going to donate both my kidneys to charity and be a goddamn hero!" I did some research and discovered the kidney is a pretty essential part of the human anatomy. If you do not have at least one, then you will cease to be a human. I am trying to get him to get out of this fatal endeavour, but he will not listen to reason. Every time I tell him the truth, he just goes, "Shut your bloody face, woman!" and that is the end of the matter. Advice? Patricia

Hi there, Patricia. Donating is a wonderful thing and should be cherished, but not if it’s a foolhardy activity. The kidney is, indeed, an essential bodily function and, luckily, most humans have at least three. Their job is to act as a filter which removes all the rubbish you don’t need out of your body – this rubbish then leaves your body in what is known by professional doctors as “wee wee”.

Whilst we think his donation would indeed be heroic, it would also result in almost certain death, unless he could get someone else to donate their kidneys to him. The problem with that is you’d then have this cyclical process of someone else having to donate two kidneys to the person now with no kidneys, so it’d just drag out into perpetuity.

Other Donations

Get your boyfriend drunk one night (so he’s more susceptible to reason, or at least he’ll just be more dumb and friendly) and then discuss other possible donations he could make. Does he really need two legs, for instance? Most people find them pretty useful, but you could convince him they’re actually holding him back in life (good luck with that).

If he’s insistent he has to do a good cause, tell him to go and start a drunken brawl in a pub. Whilst he’s at it, he could damage the property – smash a few windows, blow up the jukebox, disintegrate a few fridges etc. This will ensure he gets numerous hours of community service, which will also ensure he completes a magnanimous endeavour without endangering his life.

Other forms of charity include donating money to poor people (i.e. working class scumbags), so suggest he robs a bank at gunpoint. With the money he acquires, he can hand this over to the needy (such as benefits scroungers). If he doesn’t want to rob a bank, suggest he start his own bank (he could call it the Kidney Bank, being ironic and all that) buying and selling kidneys on the black market. He’d get the joke and you could have a jolly good laugh.

The Kidney Conclusion

Okay, so we’ve covered some options above but, ultimately, what we’ll suggest is you convince your boyfriend to donate two disparate body organs. One kidney and, say, a lung. Or, as aforementioned, an extremity – a kidney and a thumb. Or a kidney, lung, big toe, thumb, and earlobe. It’s this sort of pick n’ mix approach to the situation which, we’re convinced, will lead to a happy resolution. Best of luck, cow Pat.