Swearing can be glorious in the right moment, but there’s also a chronic lack of swear words if we’re being honest about things. There’s only so many times you can use a “****” or a “****” or a “****ing stupid ****” before it gets somewhat banal and tiresome. Indeed, so for the good of society we’ve got our heads down and crafted these beautifully profane new obscenities. Go forth and be abusive.

Halfschmidt

This one you can only use on people called Schmidt, so your opportunities will be limited. It’s a play on “halfwit” that implies a Schmidt you know is much less of a Schmidt than he/she should be. Ouch. That’s got to hurt.

Perverb

Someone who consistently gets confused with what verbs are. A perverb can often be found loitering on street corners shouting at people angrily for no reason with poor grammar.

Vulgar Wheat

If you’ve been in a restaurant and not enjoyed some bulgur wheat, this is the crushing insult you can land on the head chef. Watch as he/she bursts into tears at your shocking putdown skills.

Dockhead

A great way to wind up anyone you know who lives near some docks. It’s worth moving to an area prevalent with docks just to land this beauty.

Ship

If you’re in a formal situation and cannot get away with landing the “t” at the end, grunt this one instead. It sounds remarkably like the more common one if you get it out correctly. Then you can plead your innocence by pretending you’ve just seen a ship, or something, flying through the sky.

Bar Steward

Someone who stewards a bar, but also is a bastard. You can use this on anyone, really, such as politicians like Arnold Schwarzenegger. It makes them think for a second you’re dissing them, when in reality you’re (sort of) not.

Thunderous Flob

This one is for any upper class readers of Professional Moron. If you come across someone (such as a working class scumbag) then use this one to demonstrate your superiority through bizarre discourse patterns.

****

This one isn’t pronounceable, you just look incredibly angry, shake a clenched fist, and make a garbled noise of some sort. That shall represent the trademark symbol of censorship.

****ing

Kind of like above, but you get to add “ing” in. This will make you sound like a human being, regardless of the amount of slobber you dispense around your local vicinity whilst lambasting someone.

And finally…

Berk Bacharach

Not Burt, just Berk. But not an outright berk, either, we’ve got a right Berk Bacharach here! This heinous swine is no good and we can highly recommend you use this nasty term against anyone whom you consider to be horrific as well. Best of luck there.