As we all know, balaclavas are considered something of a risqué fashion statement. They don’t exactly scream amiability and generosity of the spirit. Indeed, if you walk around in the street wearing one, most people will probably think you’re either about to rob a bank, rob a car, rob a convenience store, or you have an aversion to suntans.
This doesn’t have to be the case. Why should the balaclava maintain such negative connotations? Why shouldn’t, say, a normal family of four enjoy a Sunday shop in the local supermarket whilst sporting balaclavas? Exactly, so we’ve decided to improve the public image of the balaclava by turning it into a fashionable product and tasty foodstuff all-in-one.
Balaclava Baklava
If you’re wondering what a baklava is, incidentally, you can see the world’s biggest ever one such foodstuff in the video above. Now you’ve got a taste for this sickly sweet pastry thing, and also a desire to don onto your bonce the balaclava in order to shift those negative public perceptions, let us inform you further of this summer’s hottest fashion trend!
“Hot” is the right word there, too, as not only will you look smoking hot, you’ll be smoking hot as well. Yes, a balaclava isn’t traditional summer wear, but the good news is tussled and greasy hair, along with sweat, are in this year! Although the baklavas will attract local wildlife, namely in the form of bees, wasps, and some birds (seagulls etc.).
The product is made out of the finest ingredients available at bargain bin price. These are then made into individual balaclavas, which are stitched together by hand by our talented staff at the Professional Moron office. Roughly 100 baklavas go into making the balaclava baklava – we must state, it definitely makes for the most beautiful balaclava the world has ever seen.
It’s also aesthetically pleasing! If you’re intending, or planning, to rob a bank, then this product will certainly create a more nonchalant exterior appearance. Let’s face it, anyone in a standard black balaclava looks like a hooligan, but this more elegant option won’t turn heads, cause whispers of dismay, and cries of panic the moment you enter a property.
Wearing the Balaclava Baklava
Getting this SOB onto your skull is a different matter. As the product isn’t overly pliable, there’s a great deal of straining, exertion, grunting, scraping, baklava bits dropping off, and cries of anguish before this thing is resting over your skull. It’s quite rigid, in other words, and the baklava pieces will scratch at your face something rotten!
Once it’s on, however, my word will you look like a princess (or prince – whatever takes your fancy). The baklava pieces shine like exquisite jewellery and will turn heads wherever you go. We should know – our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, trial ran the product here in sunny Manchester. Asides from being called a “poofter”, “bent pervert”, and a “stupid ****ing piece of ****”, he received many admiring glances from ladies (it was either admiration or dismay – Mr. Wapojif often gets confused with discerning those emotions).
Be warned, however, of the aforementioned local wildlife. As soon as a score of wasps and copious bees caught the whiff of honey-based, gooey baklava delights, they refused to leave the balaclava baklava alone and became quite belligerent when wafted away by an outraged Mr. Wapojif. Needless to say, he returned to the office covered in stings and dribbling slightly. This was on Monday – he’s not said a word since. This is proof of the astonishing brilliance of the balaclava baklava!
Timely, I was just heading out to the bank. I hope to steer clear of the Mexican Killer Bees that the National Guard has been unable to chase back over the border.
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Bees?! You need a balaclava for those, love. That will keep you safe.
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apparently you haven’t lived in Miami. Gun capital of the world. 😎
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I live in Manchester. It is the fish ‘n chips capital of the world.
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We shoot fish in a barrel here, just for laughs. Then eat chips.
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Or “fries” as you say in America. Chips… potato chips… crisps… z instead of s. It gets so confusing!
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We must do right by the fries 🍟
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Hey, I don’t think it will, I think you’re setting me up for a sting.
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Bzzzzzzz dum tish! 🐝
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🐝 back at you! Don’t go falling in the rose bushes again.
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I gained a stone watching that baklava video, thank you very much for the excess weight! One of your stickiest inventions to date, I worry about my hair should I done one. Hmm, perhaps I could use it for waxing my legs?
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Yeah, I don’t think baklavas be that good for one. Plus, if I was going to do a world record I’d aim for “The most vegetarian noodles eaten by one human being in 24 hours”. That’s noble.
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In pot noodle format?
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I need it tomorrow…I have guests hahaha
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It’s $5,000 for an upfront order. Cheers! It’ll be with you by 6am.
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… 😮 I’ll watch like other peeps eating then 😭😭 I need only 6 pieces then…
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Take 6.5 pieces and we have a deal.
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😁👍👍👍
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Hope you register the patent on this thing asap. It’s an idea begging to be stolen….
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It won’t be stolen. The invention is being guarded, as I write, by a swarm of angry bees. 🐝
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Smart guy 😉
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Can baklava balaclavas be washed in a regular washing machine after wear, or do you need to deep-fry them first to stop too much water getting in?
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I recommend deep frying them, plus gluing them together. Weld them together, if possible. A most fetching getup, whatever the weather.
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