Are you sick of your daily commute? Want to spice things up?! The rowbot is for you! This contraption has been designed to row you to work via boat. Don’t have a boat? Well, you’re going to have to buy one then, as well as the state of the art £5,000 rowbot created by the highly talented Professional Moron staff!

This baby has a processing unit of 50,000 gigabytes. Its artificial intelligence is so advanced, it has existential crises every morning and takes to drinking hard petrol to get it through its day. It can perform basic math (including algebra), fundamental diction and grammar (including differentiating between “your” and “you’re”), and is adept at chatting up taxis in the event it breaks down and you need a free lift. Here we go, it’s time to row!

Row the Boat

The problem with commuting by traditional methods (bus, car, train, tram etc.) is you have to put up with other slobbering, self-absorbed members of the public. You can spend your early mornings crammed into a baked beans tin with other fellow beans (commuters) and stand inches away from someone determined to eat a packet of Tesco cookies right in your face.

With the rowbot, you’re alleviated of such stinky occurrences! Rowbot is seven feet tall and made out of steel, lead, zinc, copper wiring, and magnesium. Rowbot possesses the intellect of an 18 year old Hipster at university who’s just read the first few pages of On the Genealogy of Morals. Rowbot feels: empowered, narcissistic, clever, ambitious, uncertain, hepped up on cheap coffee, slightly hungover, and capable of anything (including nervous breakdowns).

Whilst a bit unstable on the AI front, Rowbot has super strength. It is perfectly equipped to row your newly purchased boat in any direction you desire (towards your place of employment would be advisable, although if you’ve had enough and want to blitz it out into the open ocean then this is also an option). Just imagine how amazed your colleagues would be when they see you arrive in your boat and sporting a massive robot friend!

You could even introduce rowbot to your colleagues. Bring it into the office and watch as the ladies/men swoon over its mighty robot muscles. It’s equipped with cutting edge chat up lines, too, such as: “Get your rowbot, love/mate, you’ve pulled rowbot”. Please note: rowbot is not organic and, consequently, cannot be a reliable mate.

Rowbot is, however, equipped to sing, in its mellifluous robot voice, “Row, row, row, row your boat” on a perpetual loop. It can boom this out at ear-piercing decibels, too, which is handy to drown out any extraneous traffic noises (such as if you’re rowing along a canal next to a busy road). All in all, rowbot is a brilliant rowing device and it can only malfunction if it rains, snows, or it’s struck by a bolt of lightning.

Addendum: Rowing

If you have an acrimonious and noisy row to indulge in, the rowbot can assist you. The rowbot is well versed in arguments and can double up as a battering ram, instigator of peace, or something that can nod sympathetically towards you after your row is done and you need to vent spleen. It can do all of this whilst rowing you to work, too.

With its super strength, you can also order the rowbot to decapitate at will. However, do remember if you use this feature then you’ll be responsible for the consequences – this could result in jail time, plus the confiscation of rowbot from your person. In the event of this development, you won’t receive a refund.