Aren’t streetcars desirable? We don’t mean in a, “God, that Ford Mustang is highly attractive!” type way. For some, cars are just brilliant and people like driving them. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, doesn’t own a car as he’s banned from driving. He did own a mini, but he ram raided a birthday cards shop to, “save on the extortionate cost of birthday cards these days. I mean, £3.50 for a picture of a bunny rabbit saying ‘Happy birthday!’? I’d rather save on that and endure another spell behind bars.” Take that, establishment!

Hunk of the month Marlon Brando was more interested in Stella (Vivien Leigh). Whether this is Stella Artois or someone else called Stella only becomes apparent upon watching A Streetcar Named Desire. He yells a lot in this film, as you can see below. Clearly he’s lovelorn, or whatever, and is roaring like a wounded drunken football hooligan. So, what if he’d screamed something else?

Stella! Hey, Stella!

If Blanche (Brando) did this to us, we’d open our window and politely tell him to clear off. A very British way to do things. But, we are British. Deal with it.

Umbrella! Hey, umbrella!

Is it raining, or something? Why is he drenched – is it motor oil? Anyway, a timely umbrella would solve that issue. Right, Brando? “Right!”, thanks, Marlon!

Stella! Yo, Stella!

A modern change to meet with modern parlance. “Yo” is much more trendy and would indicate to Stella you are, like, with the times, biatch.

Fella! Hey, Fella!

If he was drunk, or something, we guess he’d forget what gender Stella is. Thusly, just yelling “fella” would easily solve any potential issues.

Stella Artois! Hey, Stella Artois!

Stupid, but we had to get this one in due to legal and marketing obligations. Thirsty? Don’t forget to drink Stella Artois.

Stella! Hello, Stella!

He’s a bit abrupt and screechy in this scene. How needy does he need to be? Well, we indicate it would have been more desirable to use “hello”.

Stella! Broadway, Stella!

In this intertextual, postmodern version of the play, Blance breaks the fourth wall by indicating they’ve made it to Broadway theatre and hit the big time.

Stella! Give way, Stella!

This would be a timely reminder to Stella about her driving abilities (not the “streetcar” in the title). We all know how dangerous women are behind the wheel!

Stella! Hairspray, Stella!

Yes, well the only way you can look as good as Brando is with some hairspray. And by working out a lot. Plus, through luck with your genetics.

Stella! Valet, Stella!

Another nod to the “streecar” from the title, we guess Blanche wants his shiny motor spruced up to look super shiny and lovely. Clearly, being a sexist pig dog, he wants Stella to clean his car for him.

Stella! Expressway, Stella!

There aren’t enough controlled access highways in A Streetcar Named Desire, so this change would introduce a good old expressway. You’ve got to love them.

Stella! National holiday, Stella!

Yes, it’s easy to get overexcited about a day off, but there’s no need to get hysterical about it, man!

Stella! Hay, Stella!

Presumably a bit knackered, Blanche wants some hay so he could snuggle up and get some much needed shuteye. Good for him. But… ever head of a mattress, dummy?!

And finally…

Stella! Salmonella, Stella!

Concerned, Blanche is a man on a mission. He’s determined to inform the local community about the dangers of salmonella and will stop at nothing to complete this task. What a hero.